If CC Wrote Mother Goose

by Ursula

Title: If CC Wrote Mother Goose

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula

Fandom: X-Files

Pairing: Mulder/Krycek

Rating: R

Status: Finished

Date Posted: various

Archive: FHSA, Gossamer, DIB

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com

Classification: Humor

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: No

Web Site: http://fhsarchive.com/ursula/

Disclaimers: All characters are used for purpose of parody.

Notes: Humor

Warnings: Humor

Time Frame: N/A

If CC Wrote Mother Goose


CC rewrites three blind mice

Three blind mice! See how they run!
They all ran after the farmer's wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a thing in your life As three blind mice?

CC: "It's a good concept. I like everything about it. There's just a few changes I'd like to make."

Frank S.: "Sure, boss, what can I do you for?"

CC: "I've looked at the budget and I can't see how we can afford three blind mice. Besides you know how it is with the humane society breathing down our necks about the alleged sheep mutilation incident. So what about we change the three blind mice to Krycek?"

Frank: "I like it. It's brilliant. Ought to win an Emmy."

CC (beaming at ego massage): "Then the farmer's wife...that just doesn't move me. How about Russian peasants? No one does Russian peasants any more. It would be classic."

Frank: "Wow, that's a good idea. One problem. Krycek doesn't have a tail."

CC: "So we'll cut off his arm."

Frank: "Hey, that's great. Fits in with Mulder wanting an amputation too. He'll just think Krycek did it to one up him. We'll have lots of soulful looks and groin to groin wrestling."

CC: "Sure, got to throw them a bone now and then. Now about season 7. I was thinking Last Supper motif..."

Frank S. "Last Supper? Boss, that's brilliant!"


Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep, and can't tell where to find them; Leave them alone, and they'll come home, And bring their tails behind them.
Little Bo-Peep fell fast asleep,
And dreamt she heard them bleating;
But when she awoke, she found it a joke, For still they all were fleeting.
Then up she took her little crook,
Determined for to find them;
She, found them indeed,
but it made her heart bleed,
For they'd left all their tails behind 'em!

The X Files version: Bo Peep Etailcutla

Mulder: "Scully, it's plainly a case of animal mutilation. Notice the large flattened circular area in the grass, it's a crop circle. Also, the wounds are cleanly healed and of a nature that no human surgical instrument could make."

Scully "Mulder, isn't there another explanation? A bored rural white preadolescent girl, resentful of her parents using her as unpaid farm labors? Left alone for many hours with only her sheep for company? Do I have to draw you a picture?"

Skinner, concealing a large red Krycek mouth shaped hickey: "Agents, this case is closed. It has been transferred to the Department of Agriculture. Agent Mulder, if we can meet privately about that other matter?"

Skinner winks suggestively, holding up container of Bag Balm.

Later in the FBI garage, a shadowy figure emerges:

Skinner: "I closed it. Now, give me the pictures with the sheep, Krycek.... "

Sneering, the black garbed figure holds up a Kodak Picture Disc and drops it.

Skinner drops to his knees and scrabbles for it.

Krycek: "While you're done there, Walter..."


Golem Monday Monday Version One

Solomon Grundy,
Born on a Monday,
Christened on Tuesday,
Married on Wednesday,
Took ill on Thursday,
Worse on Friday,
Died on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday.
This is the end
Of Solomon Grundy.

Scully: "Mulder, I told you there was a simple explanation for all of this."

A far away look in his eyes, Mulder: "Simplicity can sometimes be the most misleading thing of all."

Scully: "You profiled him yourself. Look at the evidence: His garden and his closet. The man was a cross dressing serial killer. Here's the proof, his suicide note:

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
Silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all of a row.

"And when we excavated, what did we find? The bodies of attractive young women!"

Mulder: "Then how do you explain his accelerated growth, Scully? Or are you just going to ignore the facts that don't fit?"


Insert Spoilers for Random Episode


Golem Monday Monday Version 2

Scully: "This can't be happening."

Skinner: "He's dead, Scully, I lost him."

At this point, a hand, made of clay, claws out of grave. A caricature of Mulder's face emerges. The figure stumbles out, but as it does....

Screen Actors Guild: "Here's a cease and desist writ. You cannot pay to have golems made of prominent FBI agents and use them in lieu of actors."

CC quickly signals and John Doggett breaks free of the clay mask disguise...

Wild laughter emerges from CC's throat: "I'll fool you all...." He gives a baneful glance at the shadows...

CC: "And your little rat too"


Golem Monday Monday Version 3

A shambling figure fills the screen blindly dragging an attractive young woman.

Mulder whips out a slingshot, wads up an Old Testament page, and shoots this pellet directly into the heart of the Golem. It falls and crumbles into dust.

Irate shout: "Cut, cut! Too Jewish...it won't sell in the heartland. Can't we change the monster into a ghoul and have him...have him...I know, kill to eat the livers of his victims?"

CC ignores Mulder's gaze over his shoulder, the slow nod as leather-clad figure creeps behind him with a garrote until it is too late. He turns and screams: "Wait, I'll put you in the next mov...arggghhh..."

Green eyes and hazel ones meet. Hands join. They walk across the set and reaching midpoint, they lower a large screen upon which a sunset has been painted in throbbing glowing colors....

And they lived happily ever after...


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