It's Not Easy To Be Me

by FoxsDana

Title: It's Not Easy To Be Me

Author: FoxsDana

Email: danascully_muldersprotg@hotmail.com

Rating: PG

Category/Keywords: Mulder Angst, Lonegunmen

Spoilers: "The Truth", "Jump The Shark"

Summary: Missing scene from "The Truth". Fox Mulder is told by Scully about the Lonegunmen's courageous sacrifice to save their country. After hearing the news, he sits in his cell remembering his beloved friends.

Dedication: To all X-Philes present and future as well as The Lonegunmen fans out there. To the group Five for Fighting for making a beautiful song called "Superman" which was the inspiration for this fic To my friend Marissa who did a slide show tribute to the Lonegunmen and used this song, which made me cry. To Bruce Harwood, Dean Haglund and Tom Braidwood for bringing to life some of the most beloved characters in the X-Files universe and to Chris Carter for creating them. I will never forget the Gunmen. They are truly heroes in every sense of the word. Gunmen rule!

Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going!

Feedback: Please, I love it!

Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me but are the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013 Productions. Any similarities to the names or places of the fictional aspects of this story are purely coincidental.

Note: We never got the chance in "The Truth" to see Mulder find out about the Gunmen's death and reflect. This fic attempts to give him that chance.

I hear the clanging of the cell door as I sit on the cold floor taking in what I've just been told. The scene and words still echo in my head.

"Mulder, I'm afraid something else has happened."

What could possibly be worse than hearing about our son having to be given up? I don't know how much more pain I can take. "What is it, Scully?"

She takes a deep breath. "Byers, Langly and Frohike....they're dead."

I stare back at her in disbelief. I say nothing for a minute and then let out a chuckle thinking this is just some kind of bad joke. "Come on Scully. Really what is it?"

She places her hand on the side of my face." It's true, Mulder. They're dead."

My smile quickly fades. Byers, Langly and Frohike dead? It's not possible. I can tell by the seriousness in her voice tone and facial expression that it is no joke. They are really dead? "H...how?"

She takes her hand away from my face. "They were...exposed to a fatal biotoxin."

"Biotoxin? You mean some kind of chemical?"

She nods. "The biotoxin was going to be used by terrorists as a weapon. They....found out about it and tried to stop it." She pauses taking a swallow. "They made the ultimate sacrifice to save the lives of thousands Mulder. They died as heroes."

I step back away from her and turn toward the window, which gives me the only light in my cell. "That's how they always wanted it."

"I'm so sorry, Mulder. I didn't want to tell you but...I figured you should know."

I continue looking out the window. "What kind of burial did they get?"

She smiles. "They were buried in Arlington. They...received the kind of burial that any hero would."

I lean against the barred window. "How ironic that they would die and be buried in the same cemetery owned by the government they didn't trust. Buried next to fallen soldiers who sacrificed their lives for a government that doesn't even care."

"Mulder..."

I turn around to face her. "It's true, Scully. You can't stand here and tell me that the government knows every single solider that is buried in there! The government doesn't care about their families or widows or significant others left behind! They don't care about the sacrifice that was made to defend a country that uses its own people like pawns!"

"So, you think it would have been better that they be buried out in some regular cemetery? Or...or just some big hole dug out in the middle of nowhere?"

"At least it wouldn't have been a burial filled with deceit. The government doesn't care about what they did, Scully. No matter..how many official burials or flags put on the caskets or....or huge headstones with their names chiseled. All they care about is that they have been silenced."

"I...I can't believe you're saying this."

"They deserved more than that, Scully. So much more."

She clears her throat trying to hold back tears in her eyes. "Well, I'm sure they would appreciate knowing that the one person they believed in more than anyone was saying their honorable burial was a farce!"

"I didn't say that."

"Oh but you did. You said that their burial in Arlington was a slap in the face to them. You're right, Mulder maybe the government did it to rub it in their faces. But did you consider something else? If they had been buried in some other cemetery amongst people of no significance or out in a huge hole in the middle of nowhere, no one would know of them. No one would ever see their names on a headstone. But now...because they are in Arlington, people will come and see that headstone. And one person will read their names and want to know whom they are. They will find out whom they were and what they attempted to accomplish in this life. And then...that one person will feel so strongly about their cause that they will make it their own. THAT is how they will be remembered, Mulder. They may be silenced but their cause isn't. And as long as there are others out there who believe in it, they will never truly be dead. They will be immortalized."

I stand looking back at her in complete shock over what she has just said to me. I had never really thought of it that way. As usual, Scully had taken my negative feelings and turned them into positive. It's one of the many reasons I chose to be with her. Once again, I let anger interfere with my thoughts. Anger at losing three good friends who helped me with the quest that I am now myself on trial for. And it angers me that they have now become yet another victim of it. Yet more people to add to my list of the dead.

"Maybe instead of being so angry, you should take this time and reflect on what they contributed to you. Remember the good parts of their lives. Don't let their deaths have been in vain, Mulder." Without another word, she turns around and leaves me.

My eyes open as I come back from the scene that took place just minutes ago. Even though it hasn't been that long, I'm still struggling with the fact that my three comrades are gone. That I will never hear their voices on my answering machine asking me to come over and listen to another one of their crazy theories about Kennedy's assassination.

Langly was always good for that. Sometimes I think that's all he wanted to prove in his lifetime, the truth about what happened to Kennedy. That and winning all the money he could from his games of Dungeons and Dragons. Now, Lord Manhammer's presence would no longer be felt. The Ramone's t-shirts would just gather dust in a closet or wherever it was that he kept them. And all of the software and gizmos that he had personally invented would remain forever turned off and unused. His long, lion mane, hippie hair would never be cut as a joke. And the banter between he and Frohike about who had best kung fu would never be heard again. Later dude.

Byers who had always been the sensible one, dressed in a suit and tie. I don't ever remember seeing him in anything but that unless they were doing some kind of covert operation. One would have thought it was a crime for him to wear anything but professional attire. Then again, it did fit his personality. Always trying to keep order and keeping his head above the water. He reminds me of myself in a way in how his cause consumed his life. And no matter how tough things got, he always refused to give up. He truly was a leader in the sense. Bless you, John.

Frohike. What can I say about a man who used his leather jacket as a trademark? And those gloves. He looked more like a cat burglar than a freedom fighter. And I think he cried the day I told him that Scully and I were an item. Whoever thought you could see a grown man cry? But he swallowed his pride and accepted it, telling me later that she deserved someone like me. And boy could he make some killer juevos rancheros! A smile spreads across my face as I remember when he grabbed my ass while hugging me on the day I came out of my coma. I think he turned as red as Scully's hair if not more. And I never got a chance to give him that special tape collection of mine either. Vaya con dios Melvin.

I can still see them the first day I met them. Hear them talk to me about conspiracies in the government that I couldn't believe could possibly exist. They opened my eyes on that day and I will be forever indebted to them for that. And the day I introduced them to Scully? Oh god, talk about a first impression! But she grew to love them as much as I did. And they have been through everything with us. From case to case, Scully's cancer, my abduction, the birth of our son. And now they won't travel with us anymore in this life. They have begun a journey into the next one. I have to admit that I always thought I would be the one to take that journey first.

Heroes? Yes, they were heroes in every sense of the word. Struggling to let their cause and word be heard. Sadly normally the words would fall on deaf ears. But then as Scully said there would be those few who would listen and believe. And it was those few who would make a difference. They always lived in a life of shadows. Fearing of giving their true identities. They had more fake names then a fugitive on the run. Heroes have anything but a simple life. Some people think that super heroes have to wear some kind of costume or uniform. But I say that heroes can wear a suit, a black leather jacket and a Ramones t-shirt.

Farewell my friends. I shall miss you.

THE END


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