Title: I'll Go Wherever You Will Go
Category/key words: Mulder/Scully relationship. Mulder POV/Angst
Spoilers: "Requiem" and "Nothing Important Happened Today"(if any)
Dedication: To all the shipper and X-Files fans out there both present and future. To my friend Arls for reading this and giving me feedback. To the group, The Calling for making a WONDERFUL song called "I'll Go Wherever You Will Go". It was the main inspiration for this particular fic. To my husband who is the real "Mulder" in my life. And to David Duchovny who's acting talent created a beautiful and memorable character named Fox Mulder.
Summary: Fox Mulder has made the ultimate choice to leave Scully and their son William to keep them safe. Now as he sits alone he ponders if he made the right decision.
Feedback: Please....I love it!
Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going!
Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me but are the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013 Productions. Any similarities to the names or places of the fictional aspects of this story are purely coincidental.
Sitting in a corner, I stare at the floor with my legs curled around me. The hard floor is the same thing as I am: cold and unfeeling. I almost feel like I am in a prison cell but this is a prison I've created on my own. This was my choice. At the time, I thought it was the obvious one but now as I sit here alone, I begin to wonder if it was. I keep telling myself over and over again that I did this to save her, to save them. If that's true then why am I starting to doubt it? I've always been one to "go against the grain" so to speak. To want to know more than I was being told. And where has it gotten me? It's made me live in a world of paranoia, where I jump at every shadow wondering if it's someone to kill me. What kind of life is that? It's not the kind of life I ever wanted to expose her to. And yet....now I have doomed her with it.
A plate of food is set in front of me but I don't touch it. I feel empty but it's not something that food can satisfy. The emptiness I feel is from a longing yes but not associated with hunger. It's a need for companionship, comfort and reassurance. She has always been there to give that to me and now she isn't. They say that sometimes you don't realize how much you love something until you can't have it around you anymore. I never used to believe that because I never had a reason to being always alone. But now after sharing those special nights and mornings with her, I do. I never actually told her that I loved her. I never needed to speak it, she just knew. She could always see it in my eyes, feel it in my touches, and hear it when I whispered. Oh god, why didn't I tell her now? Now, I may never get that chance again.
Raising my head I can see a group of figures standing in front of me. Some of them are standing with their arms crossed while others are pointing their fingers at me. They are figures from my past, whose deaths were my doing. They were all victims of this damn quest of mine! I and my selfishness and foolishness determined their lives. She had always been there to make them disappear but now she isn't. And now my nightmares have returned as well. I lower my head and place it between my knees as I close my eyes tightly. I don't want to see them anymore. Please make them go away! Don't remind me of that part of my past that I want to leave behind!
My thoughts then turn to her. I see her in my mind looking at me with that smile that can brighten any cloudy day. A smile that I looked forward to seeing every morning for seven years in our office. Her smile could lighten up any room and make my somber moods go away. And that laugh and giggle that were two aspects of her that I was able to see more of our last year of working together. I only wish now that I could have seen them much sooner than that. But I was afraid to let her in. And now I would trade every X-File, this truth I've been seeking, everything, to be able to go back those years so that I could open my heart to her. I remember people telling me that you shouldn't waste a minute of your life because you never know what might happen from one day to the next. How many times did I ignore that? We both faced danger every day in our job and yet I would say don't worry there's always tomorrow to tell her how I feel. And then just before I did, doubt would settle in. Why would she be interested in ole "Spooky" Mulder anyway? She doesn't deserve a loser like me. And then came that night that changed everything. When she made her choice to be with me. She chose ME, Fox "Spooky" Mulder! I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember every caress, every kiss, every whisper we shared. And just when I thought my world was finally improving for the better...I was taken away from her.
I clench my fists as I think of how I missed out on so much then. I wasn't there when she found out she was pregnant with William. I wasn't there to comfort as she went through her uncertainties with the pregnancy. I wasn't there to rub her feet or her belly when she needed it. I wasn't there to protect her from harm or let her cry on my shoulder. I couldn't caress her hair and tell her that everything was going to be all right. And I wasn't even there when he was born. Wasn't there to hold her hand as she delivered our son. Or kiss her on the cheek telling her how proud I was of her. She is such a remarkable woman and is my lover and my best friend. And now I've left her alone to raise our son. What kind of father am I? Or lover for that matter?
Sweet, little, William. Our miracle and the result of our bond to one another. Our chance to possibly start a new life. The child that she had hoped for so badly. I have only held him briefly but his eyes still haunt me. He has her eyes. I can still feel his tiny body in my arms. Can touch his tiny little hands and fingers. I can even hear his cry in the night before I left. Could he have possibly been crying because of my leaving? Had we truly bonded in that brief moment? Would he know me if we ever met again? If something happened to me would he ever be told about me? Ah yes, William your father was Fox William Mulder who chased little green men with a gun and a badge and rambled on about conspiracies. He died trying to find a truth that has killed others due to his selfishness. What a legacy I would leave behind for my son. He would learn to dislike me as I did my own father. And who knows? Perhaps this truth I am seeking will result in my son taking the place beside my father in the afterlife. No, I can't think that. I have to stay strong.
Oh god how I miss you now. I miss waking up next to you. Smelling that wonderful scent coming from you and feeling your soft skin. And smelling that honeysuckle shampoo in your hair as it lay next to my face. Feeling your hair as it tickled me on my cheek. Wrapping my arms around you till we fall asleep. Your whispers in my ear and lips caressing mine so gently. The way your touch sent shivers down my spine. How you spoke my name with such tenderness and accepted me for who I am. You are truly my constant and touchstone. My one in five billion. You make me a whole person. And I ache for you more than ever and pray that we can be together with our son soon.
"Oh god, Scully." I whisper as tears form in my eyes. "I'm so sorry, forgive me."
I raise my head upon hearing a whispering voice. I decipher that the voice is female and familiar. And so I answer with the one name that instantly comes to my mind. "Scully?" I peer out into the darkness as I wipe the tears off my face. Is she here? Has she somehow found me? I then shake my head. No, no this can't be real. It's just my mind playing tricks. It's official now, I have completely gone insane. Add that to my list of loser qualities. I then hear the voice again.
I slowly rise to my feet from the floor. I find myself shaking as I try and steady myself. I can't decide if I'm trembling out of fear or anticipation. Gibson told me there was no one else here and no one else knows where I am. So who else could it possibly be? "Scully?" I feel something compelling me to go outside. Do I dare? Gibson says we are safe here right? I just have to know if it's her. I wouldn't be able to rest until I knew for sure anyway. I slowly make my way toward the back trying to be as quiet as possible. I then see the ladder leading to the door at the top. I climb up the ladder and push up on the door.
My ears take in the sound of crickets as I make my way out and into the night air. My eyes look up into the sky where I see the most stars I have ever seen. The entire area is literally covered in them. I think I can see one blinking almost winking at me but surely that's just my mind playing tricks? I gaze out into the night and see nothing but desert. I feel a slight breeze tickle the back of my neck as I once again hear the voice.
It's then that I see the source of the voice appear in front of me. It sadly is one of the victims from my quest. And one that I have never been able to forgive myself for causing her so much pain. It wasn't fair that she was taken away from her. I even see now how much she resembles the one I am pining for. "Melissa?" I whisper.
She crosses her arms over the long white gown that she wears. And her head is crowned with a garland of flowers, which reflect off her auburn hair. She literally looks like a goddess. "Hello, Mulder."
I stare back at her dumbfounded after all this woman is dead. "What...what are you doing here?"
"I've come to help you."
"Help...help me?" I ask pointing to myself. "How?"
"I know you are questioning things. Believing you are responsible for the death of others and me. Wondering if you made the right choice to leave Dana and William. All of these feelings: anger, guilt, doubt they are negative energies around you, Mulder. They prevent you from moving forward and thinking clearly. In order to free yourself of them, you must let go."
"But I was responsible for killing you, Melissa! You died because of a stupid quest I've been pursuing!"
Melissa shakes her head. "No, Mulder you weren't responsible. Unless you actually pulled the trigger of the gun that shot me, you didn't. And did you send the men there to kill me?"
I shake my head.
"Then you were not responsible. And I know you blame yourself for your father's death as well as your informers but that isn't true. Each one chose the path that they were on. They knew the risks involved. They did it because they felt what they were doing was right. They were here for that time to achieve their goal in this life. They each had a life lesson to learn. And once that lesson was achieved, they left."
I stand there in complete awe of what has just been told to me. Could this be true? I remember that one time Scully and I had that talk after I came back from England. She told me about what Colleen had told her. About how all things happened for a reason. And now here is her sister verifying that same statement. Is it really true? "But....what about me?" I ask looking back at her. "I caused so much pain to those people."
Melissa comes forward and places a hand on my shoulder. "No, you didn't. You gave them more of a reason to believe. You gave them that...extra push they needed to achieve that goal. Sometimes in our lives we need someone to do that for us. You were that person for them."
I nod my head slowly. I think I am beginning to understand just what she is talking about now. I never forced my father or Deep Throat or X to do anything for me. It was all their choice. It makes sense now. But there is still one thing that doesn't fit to me. "But....what about you? I mean....you never needed me to help you do that. You never needed me to get you to believe anything."
"That's true, you didn't. However I was the one who needed you to believe. I was the one who showed you that killing the men responsible for Dana's condition in the hospital was not the solution. That the best solution was to go to her bed side and pray for her. Had you not done that, Dana surely would have died but..."
"She had the strength of my beliefs." I whisper.
"That's right. And it's your beliefs that have helped her through these years. I know you secretly believe that your beliefs are responsible for her being put in danger but you are wrong. Dana made her own choice, Mulder you didn't make it for her. If she had wanted to step away she would have. But you have done so much for her. You gave her the one thing that she thought she could never have."
"And now I've abandoned her."
"No, you haven't. You left in order to keep her and William safe. That's a brave and unselfish thing to do, Mulder."
"But this quest of mine..."
"This quest that you believe is senseless isn't, Mulder. The information that you will find will be what will determine the fate of this planet. You have to let the people know what is happening. That is your purpose in this life as is Dana's. It is the two of you who will determine the fate of the human race."
"But I'm here alone!" I snap. "I...I didn't have a chance to tell her how I feel. I..."
"You still can."
I give her a puzzled look. "I...I can?"
Melissa nods. "All you have to do is let go of all of these negative feelings within you."
"I don't understand."
"I told you your feelings of guilt and anger were holding you back. That you needed to let go. You can see Dana if you allow that to happen."
"But...she's so far away."
"No." Melissa places her hand on my chest. "She is right here. And as long as she is there, she is always close to you."
"But...how can I see her and speak to her?"
"Sit down and close your eyes and I shall show you."
Normally I would question such a request. But this is Scully's sister. Why would she have come here to help me if she wasn't sincere? And so far everything she has said is true. And I would do anything to be able to see Scully again. I sit down on the ground and cross my legs before closing my eyes.
"The way to see Dana is not in the physical world but rather on the astral. There are other ways in which to see someone we hold dear. As long as they are in your heart, there is always a way to them. But in order for you to enter that world and be able to see her you must let go of all this negativity surrounding you. The negativity is preventing her from coming to you. It pushes her away. You must open yourself up and let all of that go, Mulder. Imagine all of that blackness leaving you and being replaced by white light. This light comes from the ground and fills your entire body. All bad thoughts are leaving you and you are only filled with positive, white light."
I visualize everything as she said and I suddenly start to feel an entirely new sensation go through me. I feel my mind clearing and all of the feelings I had been experiencing earlier disappearing. It literally feels as if a huge thing has been taken off my shoulders. Is this possible? I slowly open my eyes. "My god. I feel like.."
"A new person? Of course you are, Mulder. You are free now. Those feelings cannot rule you anymore unless you let them. " She pauses. "Now...are you ready to see Dana?"
"More than anything."
"Then close your eyes and we can begin."
I close my eyes once again. Still not believing I'm about to see Scully. The person who has never left my mind since I left. Is it true? Have I somehow blocked her from me with these previous negative thoughts? I then hear Melissa's voice again.
"Now, I need you to take deep breaths in through your nose. With each breath you become more relaxed. I want you to tighten and loosen all of the muscles in your body from your head to your toes one at a time. Making your whole body entirely relaxed with absolutely no tension. " She pauses allowing me to release the tension in my body. "Now, I want you imagine a garbage can. I want you to clear your mind of all other thoughts and place them in that garbage can. Now that garbage can is gone and your mind is clear. Now imagine a black sky. Just a black sky with no stars. See yourself floating up toward that sky. Now, I want you to go to a field. A field where nothing can bother or harm you. All you feel is peace everywhere. How it looks is up to you. Picture the way you would wish it to be. She's waiting for you there, Mulder. Call out to her."
I've done everything that Melissa has instructed me to and now I find myself standing in that field. There is tall grass all around me and a forest in the background. The sound of running water can be heard in the background somewhere. It is truly the most beautiful place I have ever been to. Turning my head to the right I see a silhouette. I can feel my heart beating rapidly as I anticipate it getting closer. It's then that the sun reflects off its face. And I instantly recognize it. "Oh my god....Scully?" I breathe. I continue to stand there completely transfixed at what I am seeing before me.
"Hello, Mulder." Scully answers back with a smile. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She's dressed in a white summer dress with a bodice at the top. She literally looks like an angel to me. The only thing missing from her are the wings on her back. A radiance seems to surround her as she slowly approaches me.
I continue to stand there and stare at her unable to move. Is this a dream? Is this real? I then quickly dismiss this negative thought remembering what Melissa told me earlier. I am completely entranced by this beautiful, gracious swan approaching me. It's almost as if she has me under a spell. There are so many things I want to say but I find I have no voice. The wind lifts up her gorgeous red hair, which spills across her shoulders.
She steps up to me and stops saying nothing for a moment. Raising her hand and reaching forward, she connects it to mine. As soon as our hands come together a bright white light emanates from us. A feeling courses through the both of us and is unlike anything I have ever known. She tilts her head up to me and smiles. "I've missed you."
I feel myself trembling as I stare back at her. Oh god how I've wished for this! "I've missed you so much." I answer back. I then lean my head slowly down to hers and tilting my head place a tender kiss on her rosy lips. A light once again surrounds us as she returns my kiss and I place my arms around her. It almost feels as if a rope has connected us or something. The feeling within me is incredible. As strange as it is, I can smell that faint odor of honeysuckle coming from her hair. I can touch it with my hands. I then pull back from our kiss slowly. "Scully, I.."
"Sssh." She replies placing a finger on my lips. "Don't say anything. Not yet." She takes my hand in hers. "Walk with me, Mulder."
I follow her as she leads us through the field and down a path. I can hear birds chirping around us as we make our way over to a grove of trees. As we come through the trees I then see the source of the water I had heard in the background, a tiny stream. The water can be seen pouring over the rocks and pebbles in the stream. I take a seat next to her as she finally settles down on a bank. At this point I don't know what to do or say. I'm just afraid that I may do something and then she will suddenly leave.
"I'm not going anywhere, Mulder." She answers looking at me.
I stare back at her with a confused look. "Scully, how did you..."
"I can pick up on things from you, Mulder. We've reconnected again, you and I."
She nods. "You closed yourself off from me with all of those feelings you had. Now that you've freed yourself of them, I was able to come to you and reconnect again."
"I....I don't understand."
She droops her head." After you left, I was so distraught, Mulder. I felt like my entire world had come crashing down. I felt lost, hopeless. I clung onto that email you sent me as if it were my whole life." She pauses. "And I just kept...secretly hoping that I could see you again. That I could see your face and touch it. That I could....have you hold me in your arms..."
I realize the feelings she is describing are exactly the ones I have been feeling myself. "Go on." I whisper.
"It consumed me. And then one night Melissa appeared to me. She told me that I could see you through astral projection. Of course at first I thought it sounded crazy but I was so desperate to see you that I was willing to try anything. So she lead me through the steps and I went to try and find you....but I couldn't. It was like I was hitting some kind of force field or something. I could see you but I couldn't get to you. I had to just stand there and watch you sitting on the floor consumed by sadness. It...it tore me apart because there was nothing that I could do. I've been....in this field for weeks, Mulder. Wandering around here aimlessly. Secretly praying that you would break through your misery so that you could join me here. I...I wanted that so much."
I take my hand and place it under her chin, raising it to me. "But I'm here now, Scully. And I'm never going to push you away again. I just wish I had known I was doing it sooner. Had I known that you were just inches away from me, I....never would have had those terrible feelings." I look deep into her eyes. "You and William are all I have thought about ever since I left. I questioned so many things, Scully. Whether this quest of mine was senseless. Was it more important than you? If I was responsible for everyone that had died including your sister because of me."
"I know that now. Melissa came here tonight to show that. She showed me so much, Scully. She showed me that I am not the loser I thought I was. That I never forced you to follow me. That I didn't abandon you and William. Oh god I'm so grateful she came to me." I take her hand and squeeze it. "She's saved me."
I nod. "There are so many things I wanted to tell you Scully. I've wanted to tell you so many times in the past but I was afraid. I figured there would always be time later. And I thought you would just laugh at me as has happened in my past before. But I'm not afraid anymore." I place my hand on the side of her face. "You are....the most beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I have ever known. You're everything to me, Scully. You...changed my life forever. My life was....hopeless and dark until you came into it shining your light. You made all of my nightmares go away that had plagued me for years. You...were my inspiration to keep going from day to day no matter how tough it got. You were the reason I never put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. You put sense into my otherwise dreary life. And that night that you chose to be with me was the best night of my life. And when you had William...I knew my life would never be the same. I never thought I would be ready to settle down but I am now." I pause as I slowly rub her cheek. "I love you, Scully. I always have and I always will." As I stare into her bluish green eyes I can feel another burden lifted off of me. I can only hope her response will not be something the total opposite.
A tear trickles down her cheek. "Oh, Mulder. You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear that from your lips. I've always felt it from you but I knew you were afraid and I respected that. I love you too with all my heart and soul. I wouldn't change anything that's happened with you for anything. Every case, all the pain and suffering we have been through together. As terrible as it was, it brought us closer. And what is happening now is no different. What you are doing is to save us. And...I know that somehow, you will come back to William and I when it's safe. And....until that day comes we can still see each other in this way." She places her hand on my heart. "And here. Whenever you need me, you can always look in your heart and both William and I will be there with you." She places her hand on the side of my face. "Always."
My impulse grows as I lean into her and brush her lips with mine. I kiss her tenderly and drink in her tender, pouty lips. Those lips I have missed so much. I deepen our kiss slightly as I place my arm behind her neck and push her to me gently. She is so beautiful. I'm surprised as I feel her push my lips apart with her tongue and connect it with mine. She tastes so wonderful. I've never forgotten that taste all these months. And now it fills my entire body and spirit. I continue kissing her as I slowly lower her to the ground in the grass.
She reaches her hand up and begins to caress my hair as we continue to kiss, our lips never missing a rhythm. She takes her other hand and runs it under my shirt, caressing my bare skin.
A moan escapes my throat as I feel her touch. Oh god it has been too long! My hand slowly wanders down her body as I continue to kiss her. Pulling back from our kiss, I move to her neck and begin to kiss it slowly as my hand goes under her dress caressing her silky leg. I hear moans coming from her as I continue to explore her neck with my lips, finding all the sensitive areas I remember. We are both getting caught up in the mood. I then pull back and look at her. I'm not sure how things work in the astral plane but I figure I will try anyway. "Scully, may I make love to you?" I whisper caressing her hair on the ground.
She looks back at me and smiles. "I can't think of anything else that would make this visit complete."
My heart leaps at her response and I reach forward taking her lips again. I slowly undo her bodice and slide the dress off her and she follows suit with my clothes as well. Soon we are lying in the grass with no barriers between us. She looks just like a goddess lying there looking back at me with her hair spilling behind her. Perfection. I slowly make love to her and indulge in her body and moans. She feels so wonderful and I can literally feel my head spinning. I can feel the ground underneath of us as we move together until we both reach our ecstasy at the same time. And the feeling for me is unlike anything I have ever known. It is better than any physical pleasure I could ever hope to achieve. I feel my soul filled with her. Ours souls are reconnected once again.
We lay on the bank in each other's arms, caressing and whispering to each other for what seems like hours. I never want this night to end. I want nothing more than to hold her here with me. She then sighs and sits up. "Scully, what is it?"
"I have to go, Mulder." She answers putting her white dress back on and tying the bodice.
Her words stab me in my heart. No! She can't be saying this! "No, Scully. You can't. I just got you back. I..."
"I'm afraid I have to, Mulder. I have a son and life to get back to." She slowly rises from the ground and brushes her dress.
I quickly grab my clothes and put them on. "Scully, no. Please don't leave me!"
She smiles at me and places her hand on the side of my face. "Mulder, I told you I will never leave you as long as you keep me in your heart. Whenever you call out to me I will be there. We will always have this field to go to. But the important thing is that you must remain strong for the both of us, for William. That is the only way that we will get through this separation together. Now that we have reconnected, I know that I have that strength and that hope. Don't sever that bond, Mulder. Please don't."
"Never." I whisper back taking her hand and kissing it.
"I...I have to go."
I find myself not letting go of her hand even as she moves away from me. It feels so soft in mine. I'm trying to fight the impulse of not wanting her to leave but I'm losing.
"Please, let me go, Mulder."
I reluctantly release her hand and watch as she slowly backs away from me. "I...I love you." I reply as tears stream down my cheeks.
"And I love you. And remember I will always be with you in your heart and here in this field when you need me. Be strong." She then blows a kiss at me and disappears.
I feel my body jerk and suddenly my eyes fly open. I find myself no longer in the field but back on the ground out in the desert. I blink my eyes a few times and shake my head. I find myself alone once again. I slowly rise up from the ground and head back down once again to my refuge. But as I go back to it, I feel an entirely different new feeling now. I can do this. I will find the information I need and save this planet. And I know now I am not alone anymore. She is with me spiritually and will give me the strength I need to carry on until we meet in the physical again.
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