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Title: By The Time I Get To Pittsburgh Author: Martha
Category: Lone Gunmen
Spoilers: Jump the Shark (XF Season 9)
Summary: Another loss for Kimmy.
Although never specifically stated, it has been strongly suggested that Jimmy Belmont (the guy who got squished under the bus in XF Season 6 episode Three of a Kind) and Kimmy (whose last name is never mentioned, from The Lone Gunmen series and XF Season 9 episode Jump the Shark) are twin brothers, as they were portrayed by the same actor.
It is a story as old as time - he wants what he can not have.
He has no idea as to why their acceptance should affect him so. He craves it, and yet he despises himself for desiring it. Seeing Jimmy and Yves - he with his silent tears and she with her eyes looking skyward - share such moments of tenderness and closeness in their joined sorrow by the graveside, he can forgive their being lost in each other. There is nothing overtly sexual in their posture, in their touch of each other, but he does not rule out the possibility that they may reach out to each other one day for pleasure instead of comfort.
His heart is heavy and sinking, and there is a ringing in one ear that knocks him off-balance. He has to leave; he can stand still no longer. He says his final good-byes to the three he can only now acknowledge as friends and not just as acquaintances. His memories of their rival relationship are overshadowed by their sacrifice, and he can not help but wonder what might have happened had he gone with them that day. He heads for the clearing, towards the way out of this cemetery. He finds it difficult to breathe in the crisp morning air and is gulping for oxygen by the time he gets to his car.
He looks back at the two, still standing together, and thinks that they can not understand his deeper pain. Yes, they have lost friends - close friends, good friends - but they can not understand what it is like to lose someone who was so much a part of you. Someone whose very existence defined you, mirrored you, molded you into who you are. Someone who physically was a part of you.
For he has felt this once before.
He had vowed to get past that pain by concentrating on work and play. He concentrated so hard that he never really dealt with his feelings about the death of his twin. When he was with the guys, that his brother had died while in their company barely rose above the surface.
They had not been terribly close in terms of their interests; he preferred role-playing and computer pursuits while his twin got off on theories and covert operations. Yet they complimented each other in their work and play when devising strategies and collaborating on information-seeking missions and were highly sought after for their opinions and reviews.
As he sits in his car, his hands and forehead on the steering wheel, he sobs for what he has lost in the past few days and what he had lost only a few years before. He does not know why he should feel such sorrow at this time and not back then, but it no longer matters. The sting of the recent loss triggers memories of his brother, flashing pictures in his mind of past gatherings of them all.
A sudden sense of urgency overwhelms him, nudging him to get away from this place. He fumbles with the ignition key, only knowing that he must leave now. He has no destination in mind when he pulls onto the Beltway, but the interstate signs beckon him.
Home. Someone has to recount the news of the fallen Gunmen. Maybe, by the time he gets to Pittsburgh, he would find the strength and will to do them justice.
He hopes that a long-avoided visit to his brother's gravesite will provide the energy for that task.
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