Born To Try

by Caite

Title: Born To Try
Author: Caite
Date Started: 10/02/2004
Date Completed: 10/03/2004
Rating: PG-13
Category: Post Episode
Summary: Monica's thoughts on failing in 500 words Spoilers: Hellbound (to be safe)
Disclaimer: Chris was in a good mood
Author's Notes: Even at a time like this when the morning seems so far. Think that pain belongs to you but it's happened to us all. It's all right to make mistakes you're only human. Inside everybody's hiding something. Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment. Don't slide. You brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there. Lie here and rest your head and dream of something else instead. Don't slide. Feedback: Bring it on ba_77mc@yahoo.co.uk Archive: On the condition I know where my baby goes and that my details are kept on

xxxxx

NOVI, VIRGINIA

("You... always fail.")

John knocked gently on Monica's motel room door.

"Yeah, who is it?"

"It's me, can I come in?"

Monica took the chain off the door and let John in.

"I'm gonna go across to police headquarters and give them my statement of events. Are you coming?"

"No I'll stay here John, I've got something to do."

"OK then..... you know where I am if you need me."

"Yeah I do. See ya later."

("Whoever I was I failed. In 1868. In 1909. In 1960. I failed. I was always there, but I couldn't stop the killings. And he knew that. Just like he knows I'm here right now. He feels me... the way I felt him when I saw the picture of the first victim. And somehow he knows my deepest fear, that I'll fail.")

Once John had left Monica locked the door and slowly walked across the room to the double bed, sitting on the edge of the bed she unzipped her boots and kicked them off. A few minutes passed before she fell backwards on the bed and she couldn't wipe her tears away fast enough.

At the very beginning of her life she failed, it was to be her destiny to fail. All her life she walked the long and winding road to failure this case proving how much of a failure she was.

During the first weeks of her life her real mother didn't want to know her, or want to love her. She failed her. She was adopted. The family she had for the first three months decided that they didn't want a baby, but an older child. Again she failed. She was given to another family. They are the family she has now and she has failed them in so many ways when she was growing up.

One time she had been given some responsibility and she screwed up by setting the kitchen on fire. She was cooking baked beans and forgot that the gas ring was still on.

Had she not gone into the kitchen to wash the dishes when she did, there would have been no house and her family would have been homeless because she failed on such a simple task.

I'll forward a few years to when she was twelve. Mom and dad went through a real rough patch all because of the fact that she's not theirs. Although they worked out their differences and decided not to divorce she failed them because she's not blood.

In college she fell in love with a boy called Adam. He had the most intense green eyes and the cutest smile a boy could ever own. She failed him.

For his eighteenth birthday they went to a drive-in movie to watch Jaws. Driving back was terrible. Adam saw something in the road and swerved to avoid it, but he careered into a willow tree. Adam was paralyzed from the waist down and died three years later on his twenty-first birthday.

She's still alive. She's the lucky one. All she escaped with was a broken leg and five cracked ribs. Adam's eighteenth was going to be a memorable and special day but it ended in tragedy.

After a few years she recovered and started to let people in.

In 1990 she joined the FBI at first she was successful, that was until she was called in to lead the taskforce to find a missing seven year old boy - Luke Doggett, John's son. She failed him after three days."

Although he told her that she had done her best to find Luke, she still failed him. It's her biggest personal failure not finding her best friends son alive.

This latest case, the skinning has proved to the world and it's own how big a failure she is no matter what people tell her about her success both with work and love but she knows deep down she is a failure.

She knows she really shouldn't think like this, normally she doesn't unless a case or an individual affects her. Normally she is the epitome of positive and relaxed.

John knocked loudly on the door. "Monica you in there?"

Monica quickly sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Coming!"

Monica removed the chain and turned the key in the lock. John pushed the door, almost knocking Monica to the ground.

"Sorry Nic, you OK?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm good."

Monica's eyes were black from her mascara running. "Have you been crying?"

Monica lowered her head to avoid John's concerned gaze, "No what gives you that idea?"

"You have black eyes!"

Monica blushed and raised her head to meet John's gaze, "Yeah I have."

As John moved closer to Monica, he paused for a second before he placed his arms around her and hugged her. Monica rested her head on his chest, releasing more tears as she hugged him back.

"Only you and Dusty Springfield can still look good with black eyes."

-end-


If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Caite