The Truth Is Here!

by Gothic Spook

The Truth is Here
Author: Gothic Spook
E-mail: gothic_spook@hotmail.com
URL: www.geocities.com/gothicspook
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe
Category: LOTS of humour! This fic includes ALL the romances! Summery: My very own talk show, me as the host. Lots of guests. Lots of name calling, threats, punching, yelling, basically all the products of a strange mind ... my mind!
Disclaimer: If you recognise it, I do not own it!. Spoilers: EVERYTHING ... just to be safe Archive: Fanfiction.net. Anywhere that wants it, juts let me know Authors Notes: I have ignored quite a few X Files events. So some people who are dead in the show are alive in here. Just to let people know, some stuff did happen and some stuff didn't.
Feedback: Love it! Always welcomed!
Dedication: To all X Files fans from all over the world and to Johnny for coming up with the title to this insane story. THANK YOU : ) Authors Notes: Enjoy the insanity! And also no offence is meant to ANYONE! Brian is just a bit of fun! So no one please take offence in the way I have written the character!


Part 1 - Love

BACKSTAGE, 5 MINUTES TILL SHOW TIME
"Why did we agree to go on a talk show?" Skinner complained.

"Because the host of this show wants to make us look as stupid a humanly possible." Mulder explained.

"Well, that does explain the clothes."

Skinner looked down at his clothes. A clown costume. Doggett looked at his, a pair of really tight jeans. Mulder looked at his, an alien costume.

"Why do you guys get costumes and I get the shirtless outfit?" John wondered.

"Because the host of the show thinks that you're hot and sexy and that you have a body which needs to be shown."

"Oh." He blushed.

Just then Monica and Dana walked in, they were in normal clothes. The boys were thinking the exact same thing `This is so unfair' Monica looked at John and her eyes went wide Man, John is even hotter than I ever thought" John noticed her looking.

"What?" John looked at her suspiciously.

"Nothing. Not a thing." Monica diverted her eyes from his chest to the side, her face turning a a deep red of embarrassment. The director, Brian, came up to the group. He was obviously gay.

"Everyone in their places people, it's almost show time, you all look absolutely fabulous. Gentlemen, I love the outfits, they are definatley you."

His eyes lingered on Johns exposed chest. Johns eyes widened in horror. He looked for a way to escape, the fire exit, he was about to leg it when a hand stopped him. He turned and saw Monica.

"Don't even think about it John, the host of the show is making ALL of us do this talk show. Especially you my dear friend!" Monica smiled at him and dragged him to the side of the set, waiting for their queues to go on.

Just then the cheezy talk show music came on, Brian, the director who was stood behind the camera, shouted "ACTION!" The crowd started cheering when guns were pointed at their heads and the host walked on and started talking to the camera.

"Thank you oh you're all to kind." She pretended she didn't notice the guns and that the audience were obviously not here of their own free will "Hello and welcome to my talk show 'The Truth Is Here' we have a number of guests that you'll recognise and a few suprise guests." The crowd went `ooh' and `aah' as the guns were pushed to their heads harder. "Yes we have an exciting show ready for you all, let me bring out our first five guests, First welcome Fox Mulder!"

Fox Mulder stepped out from the side and made his way to his chair. The crowd was cheering and also started chanting the tune to the X Files.

"Walter Skinner!"

Skinner came out in his clown costume, the audience laughed then starts chanting over and over again "Baaaaldy Baaaaldy!"

"The very hot and sexy John Doggett!"

John came out in nothing but a pair of really really tight jeans, that really did show his butt to perfection. All the women in the audience started whistling, sending him kisses and making the hand motion that says "call me". John blushed a very deep shade of red and went to his seat next to Skinner.

Nicola, the host of the show, is just standing there, staring at John's well muscled upper body. The director tried to get her attention, but it didn't work. In the end he had to go up to her.

"Nicola. NICOLA!" It was no use, he did the only thing he could think of.

SLAP! SLAP!

"Oh sorry, where was I?" Nicola was a little dazed from zoning out for a minute there. The director pointed off stage to Dana and Monica. "Oh yeah." She whispered as she remembered what it was she was in the middle of doing before being ... distracted. Nicola turned to Brian, the director "And Brian?"

"Yes honey?"

SLAP! SLAP!

"DON'T YOU EVER SLAP ME AGAIN!" Nicola screamed at him.

"I had to get your attention some how!" He defended as he rubbed the spot on his cheek where she just slapped him.

"Well if you do it again, I'll give you more than a bruised cheek!" Nicola warned.

"Slapper."

"Tart."

"Tramp."

"Whore."

"Slut."

"Biatch!" Brian raised his hand to his chest and gasped in horror, he was stunned that Nicola had just called him that. He walked back over to behind the camera man. "Okay, now, where were we? Oh yeah, Dana Scully!"

Dana came out, the audience did the normal forced cheering, nothing special or unique, as Dana sat down next to Mulder.

"Monica Reyes!"

Monica came out and all the men in the audience cheered and started blowing her kisses. Dana was angry that Monica's entrance was a lot better than her own.

"Why didn't I get that kind of applause?"" She wined.

"Because you already have a man and a baby." Nicola explained.

"Oh, okay." Dana mumbled something under her breath, it was something along the lines of. "I still deserve a better applause." But everyone had chosen to ignore her.

Monica took a seat next to John, she tried desperately not to look at his chest. Nicola took a seat in front of the five guests.

"Okay our first topic is (dramatic long pause) Love." The audience went again go `ooh' and then `aah'. "Who would like to start?" No one raised their hand. "If no one volunteers I'll have to choose."

Skinner raised his hand slightly.

"Yes Mr Baldy ... uh ... I mean Mr Skinner, go ahead."

"I'm in love with someone." He nearly whispered, he looked down into his lap at his folded hands.

The audience once again went `ooh' and then `aah'. Nicola turned to the audience.

"Stop with the dam oohing and the aahing!" The audience instantly went into silence. "Thank you." She turned back to Skinner "Please go on."

"I'm in love with someone, but I cant tell her." He tried to hold back a sob.

The audience went `aaw' but instantly stop when Nicola gave them an evil and threatening look.

"And why cant you tell her?" She looked as though she felt sorry for him and actually cared.

"Because she's in love with someone else, she has a baby and I'm to bald to be loved!" Tears instantly started flowing out of his eyes, which caused his clown makeup to run, making him look like a sad clown. Nicola quickly turned to the audience.

"Don't you even think about awing!" She turned back to Skinner. "Does this special lady friend of yours have a name?" Nicola asked, she knew who he was in love with, but she had decided to be mean and make him say it, or at least try.

"I don't want to say."

"Well how about we give her a nickname? Or use a set of initials picked randomly? Let me think for a second (pretends to ponder) DS." Nicola suggested.

Dun Dun Dun! The camera instantly went for a close up on Dana Scully. Her face was shocked.

"Hey you stay away from her!" Mulder threatened. "She's with me, you ... you ... you bald old man!" Everyone gasped in horror at the insult.

"You're out of line Agent Big Nose. Oh sorry, I mean Agent Spooky with a big nose!" Skinner corrected, obviously not meaning a word of it.

"I do not have a big nose!" Mulder protested.

"Hate to tell you this, but you kind of do." Nicola pointed out. He looked shocked for a few seconds before reacting to the news of having a big nose.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Mulder screamed and ran off the stage.

"Mulder wait!" Dana rushed after him.

"Dana wait!" Skinner rushed after her.

Leaving the host with John and Monica sitting in their seats. They looked at the evil look in Nicola's eyes and swallowed the huge lump that had just formed in both of their throats.

"So who's next?" Nicola innocently asked. John and Monica looked at each other. Very, very frightened. "John how do you really feel about Monica?" Nicola asked.

"She's my best friend." He answered calmly.

"Well I have a suprise for you both, a special guest who will also be joining us for the rest of the show." John and Monica looked at each other, neither had ever been more terrified than they were at that moment. "Please put your hand together for (really long dramatic pause) Brad Follmer!"

Everyone gasped in horror, including the director, Brian was frantically looking through the script, this had never been planned.

Brad made his way to John and Monica. John looked angry as hell. Monica looked nervous. Brad walked up to Monica, pulled her up out of her seat, spun her around so she was in his arms and then placed his lips expertly on hers.

"Hey YOU SON OF A BITCH!" John yelled as he pulled Brad off of Monica and punched him right in the nose. Before anyone knew it, they were on the ground punching each other as hard as they could. Security guards came and pulled them apart. The guards shoved them into their seats with Monica in the middle.

"So John, why did you punch Brad?" Nicola asked.

"Because he is scum!" Was Johns answer.

"Is that it?" Nicola asked him. John mumbled something under his breath. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Admit it. You're in love with Monica."

"Am not!" He defended. Monica's breathing had increased by this point. But John didn't notice. Brad did and he was very angry.

"Are to!"

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!" He then realised that Nicola had just tricked him. "No I meant to say No!"

"To late Johnny boy, you just admitted you and Monica love each other!"

"How do you know she feels the same way?" John gave her a suspicious look.

"Because she is in love with you." Nicola stated simply.

"Am not!" Monica defended herself.

"Are to!"

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!" Monica then realised that Nicola had just tricked her as well. "No I meant to say No!"

"It's way to late to deny your love for each other, you both just admitted it on live television!" John and Monica looked at each other and gave each other a slight smile. Brad looked as though he was about to scream. "So where will you be taking this relationship?"

John looked at Monica and gave a huge grin, reading his mind she gave a huge grin back.

"The dressing room?"

They both ran to the dressing room holding hands. The door was slammed shut and locked. Everyone was shocked, they could of at least waited until after the show! Everyone could hear their laughter, moans, grunts, clothes ripping and objects being thrown to the floor. Nicola turned to the camera and smiled sweetly.

"We'll be right back after this commercial break." She looked to the dressing room as she heard another moan "AT LEAST KEEP IT DOWN, YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES OR I'M GETTING THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Nicola yelled at them.

"Okay!" Every heard Monica reply them moan very loudly.

Nicola took out a paper and pen, she started writing a note and when she finished she walked over to the dressing room and stuck it on the door. The camera showed the note on the television screen.

'Do NOT disturb! Adult situation taking place!'

"And cut to commercial!" The director shouted.


Part 2 - Anger

"Ten seconds till show time people!" Brian started shouting around the set. Everyone got into place for the next part of the show. Everyone was at this point in comfortable clothes. "5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... go!" Brian shouted from behind the camera.

"Hello and welcome back for the second quarter of my very own shown 'The Truth Is Here'. Now is everyone present and accounted for. Let me see we have Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, Walter Skinner, Brad Follmer, John Dog ... Where's John and Monica?" Brian, the director, pointed towards the dressing room. Nicola let out a frustrated sigh and marched straight up to the green, wooden door and started pounding it with her fists. "I said two minutes three minutes ago! If you don't come out here right this second I will be forced to get the fire extinguisher!!!" Nicola threatened as she screamed and continued pounding the door.

The door opened and out came John and Monica; they walked straight to their seats. Monica's hair and makeup was a mess and every one couldn't help notice the lipstick marks that were all over John's chest and face. Nicola, once again, seated herself in front of the guest.

"Okay, now in this part of the show we will be talking about anger and jealousy." The audience went `ooh' and `aah'. "Okay first of all, John why do you and Brad hate each other so much?"

"Well ... He ... I ... Well ... Uh."

"Well that's not a very good reason. Brad why do you hate John so much?"

"Well he has stolen the love of my life." He looked over at Monica and gave her a seductive wink. She gagged a little as she tried to keep her lunch down in her stomach where it belonged.

"And why is she the love of your life?"

"What light through yonder window breaks, it is the east and Monica is the sun..." He was interrupted before he could finish.

"Why the hell are you quoting Shakespeare?" Nicola asked him giving him a look that said to stop quoting right this second.

"I thought girls love all romantic crap and romantic talk?" Brad asked

"Not that type of romantic crap you idiot. Didn't you know that everyone hates Shakespeare, especially after they are forced to do it at school and then do a load of stupid essays on it?"

"Oh." He mouthed, looking downward at the floor, very embarrassed.

zIf you think about quoting Shakespeare again on my show I will personally kick your arse!" Nicola warned. "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes miss."

"Okay, moving along from Shakespeare boy, we have another surprise guest, lady's and gentlemen, boys and girls, Shippers and Dripper please put your hands together for (dramatic long pause) Alex Krycek!"

Everyone gasped as Alex Krycek walked onto the set and sat in a chair next to Brad. At the moment everyone was asking in their heads 'Why would Nicola bring a character that all the other characters hate into her story?' Nicola turned to the camera.

"For all the readers who like Krycek. And the fact I want to see some action!"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Mulder yelled and lunged toward Krycek, knocking him off of his chair and kicking the crap out of him. The director was shocked to see that Nicola wasn't doing anything to stop this. She was just sitting in her chair, watching with a slight smile on her face.

"Nicola, do something!" He urgently whispered to her.

"No ... Mulder ... stop." She said effortlessly. The director rolled his eyes at her childish behaviour.

SLAP!

"Don't you role your eyes at me Slapper!"

"Tart!"

"Tramp!"

"Whore!"

"Biatch!" Brian raised his hand to his chest and gasped in horror, he is stunned that Nicola had called him that for the second time since the show started. He walked back over to behind the cameraman. "Okay okay break it up!" Nicola ordered them. Mulder and Krycek sat back down in their seats, Krycek with a bloody nose and Mulder with a black eye. "As much as I hate to break up this display of testosterone, we have a show to do. Now Mulder why do you hate Krycek so much?"

"Because he's a traitor and a rat!"

"I am not a rat!" Krycek defended.

"Sorry to tell you this, but you do look kind of like a rat." Nicola told him.

"Well ... well ... Mulder has a big nose!' He yelled out.

"I do not have a big nose!' Mulder looked as though he was about to go into tears ... again.

"Get a hold of yourself you wimp!" Nicola firmly told him. He instantly stopped crying. "Dana, why do you hate Krycek so much?"

"Because he helped kill my sister and he is a rat."

"I am not a Goddamn rat!" Krycek screamed extremely frustrated at everyone calling him a rat.

"Yes you bloody well are!" Nicola told him, her voice daring him to argue, he instantly shut up. "Okay now onto jealousy, who would like to begin?" No one volunteered "I'll be forced to choose someone." Mulder raised his hand. "Yes Mulder go ahead."

"I'm jealous of a few people, I'm jealous of Doggett because he has my job, he gets to go chasing after all the aliens and bad guys now and he doesn't even save a conspiracy for me to reveal and destroy. And I know I have to say, I have kept this a secret for so long, its killing me inside." His voice was full of emotion.

"It's okay, we're listening and promise not to judge or laugh at you." Nicola told him, this somehow comforted him into talking.

"I'm also jealous of Krycek." Everyone gasped in horror, including Nicola. No one was expecting that.

"Why the hell are you jealous of Rat Boy?" Nicola asked, she didn't know whether to be shocked or laugh at him.

"Well ... I think that ... His hair is just so cool!"

"Sorry I think I just went partially deaf, you're jealous of Rat Boy because of his hair?" Nicola asked for conformation. Not quite believing what she was hearing. No one could believe what they were hearing.

"Yeah I mean look at it, it is so cool, I wish I could get my hair looking that good."

"No Mulder, your hair is way better than mine, I mean its so fluffy and in style!" Krycek told him.

"No man your hair rocks."

"No yours does."

"No yours."

"No yours."

"No yours."

"No yours."

"No yours."

"Both your hairs rock okay! I know a way we can settle all this anger and jealousy. If Krycek and Mulder both swap hair styling tips, then Mulder will stop kicking the crap out of Krycek and Krycek wont be a rat. Deal?" Nicola asked.

"Deal." Mulder and Krycek both agreed in union.

"Okay and to seal the deal you give each other a nice big hug!" Nicola said with a smile.

"No way in hell am I hugging the alien freak boy!" Krycek stated.

"I'd rather choke on a dead rat!" Mulder exclaimed.

"Hug ... Now!" Nicola ordered them as she pulled back her jacket to reveal a nicely concealed gun on her hip.

Krycek and Mulder instantly hugged each other. The audience went 'aaw'. They quickly pushed away from each other and brushed off their clothes, trying not to damage their cool exterior.

Nicola turned to the camera.

"Well now it is time for another commercial break, when we come back we have some more surprise guests in store. So don't go anywhere and stay tuned."

"And we're out, okay people, great first half of the show." Brian yelled to everyone.

Nicola turned to the audience with an angry and evil look on her face.

"I thought I said no 'oohing' 'aahing' or 'awing'!" She took out the hose and began to spray the audience with water. She soaked them all until they were almost drowning in water.


Part 3 - Crush / Abduction

"Hello and welcome to my talk show 'The Truth Is Here'. If you've just joined us, where the hell have you been? While we were on a commercial break we received a phone call from someone who wanted to be called JD Burns and they requested that we talk about two topics over this quarter. And we shall. Topic number one is (dramatic long pause) Doggett and his crush on Scully?" Everyone gasped.

SLAP!

The camera swung around to show that Monica had just slapped John hard across the cheek and was looking very upset.

"I can't believe we made love and you were in love with that short ass!" Monica yelled angrily.

"But Monica, I don't care about her anymore, I love you!" John pleaded but Monica wasn't listening, she had her back turned away from him.

"Monica did I mention the topic was his PAST crush on Scully?" Nicola asked.

"Oh really? Well..." She turned to John "Sorry Honey." She kissed him long and passionately on the lips to show him how sorry she is for slapping him as hard as she did.

"Okay ... Okay! If you two don't stop I'll be forced to get the hose again." Nicola threatened. John and Monica instantly broke apart and muttered a quiet 'sorry'. "Okay. In season 8 it was so obvious to everyone that Doggett liked Scully more than he should have considering she was in love with Mulder and the fact that she was pregnant. Scully how are your feelings towards this?"

"Well as long as he's not in love with me now. I know I'm just irresistible but I have a baby and I am in love with Mulder." Monica couldn't help but let out a snort at the irresistible comment. Dana yelled "What?"

"I was just thinking how you didn't sound self-loving, not one bit."

"Are you being sarcastic?" Dana looked at her suspiciously.

"No, I would never be sarcastic."

"Don't you take that sarcastic tone with me!"

"What sarcastic tone are you talking about?" Monica asked innocently.

"That one!" Dana pointed at Monica.

"What one?" Monica asked dumbly, making Dana very angry.

"I will kick your ass if you don't stop!" Dana threatened her.

"Why? What have I done?" Monica didn't take Dana seriously. Maybe Monica should have.

"That's it!" Dana jumped out of her seat and ran across the stage and tackled Monica off of her chair and onto the floor and began punching Monica with all her strength. The security guards came and pulled Dana off of Monica. They were both put back in their seats and tied down. Their hands were tied to the arm rests and their feet were tied to the chair legs. They were even gagged to stop them from screaming at each other.

"Now there will be no more fighting between the two of you," Nicola sighed with relief. "Now JD Burns also requested we talk about Mulder's abduction. Mulder you start well since you were the one abducted."

"I don't want to talk about it." He went quiet for a few seconds. 'They took me and did experiments on me and tests and it was horrible. They took my sister right in front of me! I couldn't help her, I was frozen, I tried but I couldn't move!" He burst into tears, got off his chair onto his knees, looked up at the ceiling as if he was looking at the stars and screamed at the top of his lungs. "SAMANTHA!!!"

"That was god only knows how many years ago. So cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!" Everyone in the studio applauded and supported what Nicola had just told him. Mulder was in shock, he ran off the stage crying his eyes out ... again. "What a wimp." Nicola muttered as she watched him leave.

Nicola turned to Brian, he indicated they still have 5 minutes until another commercial break.

"Well we seem to have an extra five minutes or so, let see if the audience has any questions." A few hands went up "Lets see, you in the big dorky glasses."

"Hi, my names Rob and I was wandering if Monica would like to go out with me sometime?" Everyone went `aaw'. A security guard went up to Monica and removed her gag so she could answer the question.

"Well I'm flattered but I'm with John at the moment." Monica told him. He looked a little sad for a few seconds but then recovered.

"Well, if it doesn't work out, could you call me?" He asked with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

"Um ... Sure." Monica replied, obviously having no intention of calling him. The man sat down very happily.

"Okay. Any more questions?" Everyone's hand went up "That doesn't have to do with asking them for dates." Everyone's hand went down, except for one. "Yes miss?"

"Well I did have a question for Agent Mulder but can I ask it any way, maybe you guys will know the answer." Nicola nodded for her to continue "Well I was wandering, how many packets of sun flower seeds he actually gets through a day?"

"Some one untie Agent Scully so she can answer the question!" Nicola ordered. A security guard did as Nicola instructed "Now Dana, can you answer the question?"

"Yes I can." She reached for her handbag from behind her chair, opened it and tipped it upside-down, about 40 empty packets of sunflower fell to the ground. "And that's only from the last 45 minutes!" She stated.

The women sat down happily. Nicola turned to the camera.

"Well its time for another stupid commercial break. Stay tuned, and remember if you have any topic requests please don't hesitate to call in and request a topic. Stay tuned for more truths to come out in the fourth part."


Part 4 - Crush / Who's the father? / Affairs

"Hello and welcome back, if you've just joined us, you have missed a lot of strange happenings, and none of its been paranormal, just down right unusual. During the commercial break we received a number of phone calls/reviews requesting topics, and due to the high number of requests we will be extending the show to at least double the time the I originally planned to. Now our first topic for this part of the show that has been requested by someone known as Gem6 is (dramatic long pause) Baldy ... um I mean Mr Skinner and his obsession with (yet another dramatic long pause) Dana Scully."

"Why is everyone obsessing over mean, other than the fact that I'm gorgeous, its no excuse to obsess." Monica started fake coughing at Dana's comment.

"Cough dork cough."

"Did you say something Monica?" Dana asked suspiciously.

"No, I just have a bit of a sore throat, cough loser cough."

"Maybe you should tape your mouth shut, instead of letting all those germs out of that filthy mouth of yours."

The audience went `ooh'. Monica glared at her and sat back in her seat. There was silence for a few moments. Until Monica...

"Cough shrimp cough."

Dana went to punch her but before she could reach Monica, Skinner grabbed her around the waist and sat her back down, holding her firmly by the shoulders to keep her down.

"Get a hold of yourself!"

"But she..."

"I don't want to hear it."

"But."

"No."

"She."

"Quiet!"

"Said"

"Both of you sit your arses down right this second before I force them down!" Nicola yelled and she took out some rope and chains to make her point clear enough for them to understand and be frightened. Skinner and Dana instantly sat down and shut their mouth very tightly. "Now back to the topic, Skinner please explain your obsession with Miss Shrimp ... um I mean Miss Scully."

"I don't have an obsession with Scully." He stated.

"Well I'm afraid that you just copped a feel of her on LIVE television." Nicola told him with a grin.

"I did not touch anywhere near her ... her ... I mean why would I want to?" He asked rhetorically.

"What aren't my boobs good enough or big enough for you?" Dana screamed.

"Yes ... I mean no ... I mean." He paused and looked around at everyone, who where looking at him. "Screw this, I'm out of here!" He said and left the studio.

Nicola looked over at two of her security guards who were dressed from head to toe in black, they nodded, put some dark sunglasses over their eyes, took out very large guns and went away in the direction Skinner had fled. Everyone on the stage looked in fear at the evil look that had suddenly come upon Nicola's face. In a split second Nicola went back to being all smiles.

"Now our second topic for this part of the show, we had two phone calls from Katie and Alicia, they requested similar topics, so we decided to combine them, firstly we shall discuss who is William's real father." The audience and everyone else gasped. "Now Scully, can you tell us who is the father?"

"Well Mulder is. Why would people question that?"

"Because, both Skinner and Doggett also had a crush on you, plus you've kissed Skinner and no one really know for 100% that Mulder is William's father because you were supposed to not be able to have children."

"But he is!" She defended.

"Okay just answer a number of short questions. What did you two do after Skinner gave you the bureau credit card in Hollywood AD?"

"We went to our hotel room, ordered a lot of room service, including alcohol and then slept together." Dana said as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

By this time the guards had caught Skinner and bought him back where he was tied by rope and chains to his chair, so he wouldn't be able to run away again.

"Skinner what do you have to say about this?" Nicola asked him.

"Well it does explain the huge credit card bill that month." He mumbled more to himself than anyone else.

"Exactly how many drinks did the two of you have?" Nicola asked Mulder and Scully.

"We lost count after the first fifty shots of tequila." Mulder proudly stated.

"Don't act so proud, you through it all up in the toilet a few minutes afterwards." Dana reminded him.

"Did not!" He denied.

"Did to!"

"Not!"

"To!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Did not!"

"Did not!"

"Did to!" Then he realised "No, I mean did not!" He looked at the looks everyone was giving him. It told him that no one believed him. "Oh crap." He muttered under his breath.

"Well then its settled, Mulder is William's father due to a drunken one night stand at the end of Hollywood AD." Nicola looked at her notes and produced an evil smile. "Now for the next topic, at the request of Beguile, is affairs." The audience gasped.

Brian looked frantically in the script. Where the hell was all of this coming from? None of these topics had been planned. Where the hell was she getting all of these topics? Who on Earth were these people calling in with requests? Was there even a phone on the set?

"We have a suprise guest for John and Monica." Nicola looked evilly at them, they gulped the huge lumps that had just formed in their throats yet again. "Barbara Doggett!"

John and Monica's eyes went wide like saucers. The entire audience gasped. The crews mouths hung open from shock. Brian gasped, mouth and eyes open wide like saucers, he looked at the script in his hand and then just threw it to the side. Barbara sat down on the other side of John.

"Welcome to the show Barbara. Now what have you come to ask John today?" Nicola asked.

"Well I want to ask him if he had an affair while we were married."

"I would never have an affair while I was married!" John defended.

"What about the time you got really drunk at that party and you..." Barbara was cut off halfway through her sentence by John.

"Okay, but I would like to remind everyone that I was drunk and I don't even remember who the slut was that would come onto a man who was as drunk as I was." He stated, Monica looked at him angrily.

that slut was me!" Monica yelled.

"No it wasn't." John told her. And then looked at her nervously. "Was it?"

"Yes it was! You called me and invited me, so I came and you bought me a LOT of drinks and then when we where both as drunk as each other we ... you remember." Monica explained. John thought for a moment.

"Oh yeah." He muttered under his breath, remembering that night so long ago. Nicola just had to add another wonderful twist to this whole event.

"Well since John and Monica have admitted that they had an affair together while John was still married, I feel it is my duty to inform everyone, that at that time Monica was still dating Brad and had phoned him that night telling him she was sick and had to cancel their date in order to go and meet John."

"How the hell do you know all of this?" Monica yelled, not understanding how Nicola knew all of this in such detail.

"That's for me to know and you to sit and wander." Nicola said with a evil grin. "Brad how do you feel? Knowing that your ex-girlfriends cheated on you while you were still dating?"

"Well I have to admit that I had an affair also." Everyone gasped, including Nicola. Nicola turned to the camera.

"Wow, it seems that everyone has just about had an affair!"

"Not me." Mulder proudly told everyone as he stood up with a huge grin on his face. Once again being proud of himself.

"Really?" Nicola asked, not believing a word of what he was saying.

"Yep, I've never had and never will have an affair." He stated.

"Are you sure about that?" Nicola gave him the most evil grin so far.

"Yeah.?" He paused and his smile fell at the look in her eyes. "Why? ... What are you going to do to me?" He was beyond terrified now.

"I have two words for you buddy ... (really really long dramatic pause) ... Diana Fowley!" His face went into shock and then he fell to the floor unconscious. "What a wimp." Nicola muttered

While Dana was trying to wake Mulder up Nicola turned to the camera.

"Join us after the break where we will be discussing everyone's most embarrassing moment and a suprise guest for EVERY GUEST, stay tuned for more truth on the X Files, everything we know is true but hasn't been said and everything we wish they would have said while the show was still on!"


Part 5 - Embarrassing Moments

"Welcome back, haven't we had an exciting show? We've had a number of suprise guests, punching, yelling, plenty of threats and there is still lots more to come!" Nicola turned to look at the people on the stage, fear was evident in all of their eyes. Nicola sat down in front of them all. "Now at the request of someone who wants to be known as Rach we shall be discussing everyone's most embarrassing moments." Everyone visible sank lower in their seats. "Does anyone want to start off?" No one made a move to raise their hand "Well I have a suprise guest for each of you, if you wont tell us your most embarrassing moment, they definatley will." Nicola turned her head to the side. "OKAY SUPRISE GUESTS COME ON OUT!"

Everyone turned their heads to look off stage as the suprise guests came out. All the agents and everyone one on set and in the audience gasped in horror. The most frightening thing was coming out on stage ... Everyone's mothers came out and walked towards their sons/daughters.

Monica's Mother, Maria, went up to her.

"Monnie, sweetheart, why haven't you been down lately, you know that young man has been asking about you lately, you remember the one you lost your..."

"MAMA!" Monica screamed in horror and clamped her hand over her Mothers mouth to stop her from saying the rest of her sentence.

John's Mother, Laura, went up to him.

"John honey." John's Mother slapped him around the head

"Ow! What was that for?" John asked as he rubbed the side of his head where she had hit him.

"That's for being stupid enough to agreeing to do this show that has made you look like an idiot!" She smacked him over the head again.

Mulder's Mother, Tina, went up to him.

"Mulder, you have sunflower seeds stuck in your teeth again, come here." Mulder's Mother pulled his face level with hers, took out a toothpick and began cleaning his teeth, despite his struggle to run away from her.

Dana's Mother, Maggie, went up to her.

"Dana when are you going to spend time with your son, you hardly ever see him and he needs his mother at home. not on some talk show being embarrassed in front of everyone!"

"But it wasn't my fault Nicola, the host of this stupid show, threatened us all with guns and photographs!" Dana tried to defend herself.

"That's still no excuse!" Maggie told her firmly.

Krycek's Mother, Bethany, went up to him.

"Krycek look at the mess your in, tuck in that shirt, right this instant!"

"But Mom!" He wined.

"No buts!" Krycek immediately tucked in his shirt. As soon as he was finished Krycek's Mother grabbed him by the ear.

"Ow ow ow! Mum that hurts!" Krycek yelled out in pain.

"It's meant to hurt you fool! What's this I hear about you killing people? I thought I raised my boy better than that."

Brads Mother, Sarah, went up to him

"My little boy, all grown up and an important man in the FBI. I'm so proud of you, so independent." She paused as she noticed something. Zat! Come here you have a little smudge." She licked her thumb, grabbed him by the face, pulled him down so he was level with her and began cleaning off his face, with the lick thumb.

"Skinner I'm afraid your Mother couldn't be with us now, we tried to contact her but the fact that she is six foot underground and wouldn't answer us on the ouiji board was a problem." Nicola informed him. He looked very sad, almost like he was about to cry again. "Now can everyone please take a seat?" All the Mothers sat down next to their son / daughter.

"Now lets start with ... Dana and her Mother. Mrs Scully can you tell us about the most embarrassing moment of your daughters life?" Nicola asked.

"Let me think for a second ... Oh yes I remember her first high school dance."

"Don't you dare!" Dana warned.

"She was so excited about it, the coolest guy in school asked her out and she brought a gorgeous new dress."

"Why was that night embarrassing then?" Nicola asked confused, she had asked for an embarrassing moment, not a trip down memory lane.

"Because the guy couldn't dance to save his life, when he tried to dance he tripped over, grabbed her skirt on the way down and ripped it right off."

Everyone in the audience burst out laughing. Once Nicola had contained her laughter, she started speaking.

"Now lets go to ... Monica and her Mother. Mrs Reyes can you tell us about the most embarrassing moment of your daughters life?"

"Well there is a lot to choose from. I remember, when she was about 17 she had this boyfriend, I think his name was ... Diego."

"No, don't you think about saying another word!" Monica warned

"Monica's father and I had gone out that night and told her we would be home during the middle of the night, we came home a few hours early and found Monica and Diego in her bedroom in the most awkward position, I think they were attempting a position from the Karma..."

Monica's hand clamped down once again over her Mothers mouth to stop her from speaking anymore.

"Okay I think everyone can guess what Monica and her boyfriend were attempting. Now Krycek and his Mother. Mrs Krycek, same question." Nicola asked.

"Well I guess it would have to be when we went to Disney Land in Paris."

"Say another word and you die!" Was Krycek's warning. His Mother, of course, didn't listen.

"He was so excited, but when Mickey Mouse came us to him he screamed at the top of his lungs in fear and ran away. He hid in the maze for the entire time we were there, scared that the 'Big Bad Mouse Man would kill him' I believe were his exact words."

The audience went 'aaw'. Krycek didn't look happy. He was thinking about what kind of gun he was going to use on his Mother. Nicola had to state her opinion in a fake cough.

"Cough wimp cough." She then went all innocent again. "Now John and his Mother. Mrs Doggett, same question."

"Well it would have to be when there was a fire fighters presentation at his school."

"Oh God no." Was Johns response as he buried his head in his hands, remembering the events his Mother was about to tell everyone.

"He was excited about the fire fighters, they even let him climb all the way to the top of their ladder."

"So what was embarrassing?" Nicola asked.

"He got stuck halfway up and wet his pants. A fire fighter had to climb up the ladder and get him down."

"Well I'm sure the ladder was really high." Nicola said when secretly she would bet that the ladder was really small. "Now Mulder and his Mother, Mrs Mulder again same question."

"Well it would have to be when he was trying to impress this girl when he was 15.z

"Oh crap." Mulder muttered under his breath.

"He took her into the woods for a picnic, they set everything out and while they were kissing a snake came up to them. He screamed like a girl. While his date picked the snake up and smiled. She thought he was the biggest wimp on Earth and never spoke to him again since then."

"And last but not least, Brad and his Mother. Mrs Follmer for one last time, same question."

"I don't remember him doing anything embarrassing ... Oh but I do have some photographs of when he was just a little baby."

"Please for the love of God not the baby pictures." Brad begged.

"Look how squishy he was, couldn't you just pinch that little butt of his!" She pinched his cheek as she said this.

The camera got a close up of the pictures. One was of him on the carpet, butt naked on his stomach, looking at the camera and waving his ass in the air. Nicola turned her attention to the camera.

"Another annoying commercial break is coming up, after the break we will be discussing all of the agents first loves, weird friends and more special guests. Stay tuned to find out everything we ever wanted to know and see everything you ever wished to have happened in all the nine season. Stay tuned!"

"And cut to commercial break. I am so proud to be directing this show, it brings tears to my heart." Brian then turned his attention to Mrs Follmer. "Mrs Follmer can I please have a look at the photos of that good looking son of your?"

He winked at Brad, Brad slowly backs away and runs into the bathroom, locking the door behind him with a slam.


Part 6 - First Love

"Hello and welcome back to the most insane thing you will ever watch/read. Before the break we just learned about their most embarrassing moments from their mothers. All of the mothers have gone home now. And Brad Follmer was forced out of the bathroom and tied to his chair to stop him from trying to escape again. And now at the request of Rach we will be bringing out everyone's first loves. That caller really has it in for all of you. First she calls in with the request of most embarrassing moment and now first teen loves. But it makes for great television and daytime reading, so I would like to say thank you Rach your phone call requests have kicked arse. Now to the topic of teen loves!" Everyone groaned "Boyfriends and girlfriends come on out!" Nicola yelled.

Everyone's first boyfriend or girlfriend came out from backstage.

Diego walked up to Monica. He started speaking spanish so no one else besides Monica could understand him. He pulled her out of her seat, one of his arms wrapping around her back to pull her close as the other went up to caress her cheek.

"Monica, how I have missed your beautiful, your eyes that shine and your voice of an angel." He said this all in spanish and then kissed her on the lips. And this was not a soft kiss, It was a passionate and deep kiss. Tongues included. When it ended Monica couldn't help but express her opinion of that breath taking kiss.

"Oh Diego."

Barbara went up to John, she didn't kiss him she just sat down next to him with an angry look on her face.

Amy, a women with long blonde hair, gigantic breasts, firm ass and legs that women only wished for walked up to Krycek, pinched his ass and then sat down. She had on a very short skirt on and a shirt that didn't leave much to the imagination. So in other words all the males in the area were looking at her, except for Brian, his attention was on Andrew.

Andrew walked up to Dana and gave her a nice friendship hug and then sat down next to Dana. Andrew was a spitting image of Brad Pitt. So all the female attention in the studio was on him.

Diana Fowley walked up to Mulder, he looked scared and gave Nicola an evil glare. Diana, much to everyone's suprise didn't do anything, she just sat down in the seat next to Mulder.

"Okay, Skinner I'm very sorry but your ex-wife refused to come, no amount of begging or blackmail could convince her to come in, and Brad I'm sorry but your first love has had to go into the witness protection program, I would like to note that it was as soon as you two broke up." Nicola told him, Skinner once again looked upset, and Brad looked nervous. "Now we shall be talking about your relationships with the people who have just come out. First Dana and Andrew, tell me about your relationship."

"Well we started dating in high school and we broke up when we went off to separate collages." Dana explained simply.

"Well Andrew you came here tonight with a purpose, did you not?" Nicola asked.

"Yes I did." He turned too Dana, who was nearly hyperventilating. What was he about to ask her? He took her hands in his and held them tightly as he spoke. "Dana, I am still in love with you, even after all these years, I have never forgotten about you, not for one second. Dana please say you feel the same way and we can become a couple again."

"Hey! You stay away from her!" Mulder screamed and punched Andrew out of his seat. They continued rolling around on the floor, punching and yelling at each other. Security guards came and pulled them off of each other, chucking them both in their seats and tying them down.

"Now Barbara and John, tell us how you met."

"Well we met when I was in New York, he was a police officer at the time, we met, went out, got married, had a baby, divorced after Luke died."

"Did you come here to say anything to him? Now's your chance to."

"The only reason I'm here now is because you blackmailed me." Barbara accused with an angry expression.

"Oh yeah, never mind then. Okay Mulder and Diana, tell us how you met."

"We met in the FBI academy, we got close and started the X Files together." Diana explained.

"Do you want to tell him anything now?" Nicola asked her.

"Yes I do." She turned to Mulder and looked at him sweetly. "Fox I'm still in love with you." She admitted.

"Hey! You stay away from him!" Dana yelled as she stood up and placed her hands on her hips. Diana stood up and also placed her hands on her hips.

"Or what?"

"Or I am gonna kick your ass." Dana threatened.

"You're so short, you couldn't even reach it." Diana told her.

Dana ran towards Diana and punched her in the face. They fell to the floor, fighting, punching, slapping and yelling at each other. Security guards came and pulled them apart and through them back in their seats, also tying them down.

"Now lets move onto, Monica and Diego, how did the two of you meet?" Nicola asked. Diego said a load of stuff in Spanish, Nicola's smile soon left her face and formed one of confusion. Nicola turned to Monica once Diego was finished talking. "How about something we can actually understand?"

"We met in high school." Monica simply said.

"Diego is there anything you want to say to Monica?"

Diego stood up from his seat, took Monica's hand in his, she stood up so they were facing each other, looking into each others eyes. He said a load of stuff in Spanish, Monica eyes went into shock and before she knew it his lips were on hers. She pulled back and slapped him hard across the cheek. He turned back to her with an angry look on his face, he said something else in Spanish to her, her face transformed into shock at his harsh words. He then turned his back to her and left the stage. Monica sat down in her seat in shock.

"Okay, I don't think we want to know what he said, we can only guess that it wasn't very nice. Now Krycek and Amy. How did the two of you meet?"

"Well he came into the club one night and he said he was in love with me." Amy explained.

"What sort of club was this?" Nicola asked her.

"A strip club." Amy stated.

"Oooookay, I don't think we want to hear anymore." Nicola turned to the camera. zIts time for another commercial break, join us afterwards with more suprise guests and more secrets learnt. And remember if any of you have requests for topics don't hesitate to call. Thank you all and we'll see you after the break."


Part 7 - Heroes

"Hello welcome back, I would like to apologise that the commercial break was so long, but I came down with a very bad illness ... Writers block. But I'm better now and here to continue the show! I would like to say a special thank you to Rach, no your phone calls/reviews are not getting on our nerves, you have been wonderful with your suggestions and its greatly appreciated. Lets give Rach around of applause!" The entire audience erupted into cheers, so did the crew, the only people who didn't are the guests on the stage. After all this is the person who had asked for lot of the topics and in doing so had embarrassed the hell out of them. So it was really understandable. "Anyway, Rach has once again requested a topic and this is a suprise for the guests, we will not tell you what the topic is until the suprise guests have come out. Suprise guest number one come out on out."

Everyone turned their attention to the side of the stage where the guest should be coming from. A man, who looked very much like Superman walked out.

"Oh ... my ... god!" Dana muttered to herself. Superman came and sat down close next to her.

"Suprise guest number two come out!" Nicola yelled.

Another man who looked exactly like Batman came out from backstage.

"Holy crap." Monica exclaimed as her teenage hero came out. He walked up to her and took her hand, he lifted her so she stood opposite him. He kissed her on the cheek, she passed out but he caught her in his strong arms. He sat her down in her seat and he took the one next to her.

"Suprise guest number three!" Nicola yelled.

The Hulk walked out from backstage.

"Oh no." Krycek said under his breathe.

The Hulk came up to him and went forward to give Krycek a big hug.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Krycek yelled as he backed away.

"I thought you liked The Hulk, he was your childhood hero?" Nicola asked.

"No! He was my childhood nightmare!!!"

As The Hulk came closer to him, Krycek screamed at the top of his lungs and ran off the stage. The Hulk ran off following him.

"Okay. Suprise guest number four!" Nicola yelled.

Spider man made his way onto the stage and towards his seat.

"Oh cool!" John exclaimed.

Spider man came and sat down next to John. John leaned over closer to him, to say something.

"I'm a big fan Mr Spider man sir." John told him. He was obviously start struck.

"Suprise guest number five!" Nicola yelled

Scott from X-Men came out from back.

"Oh crap." Skinner muttered.

Scott came and sat down next to him. He didn't look like he was happy to be here.

"Suprise guest number six!" Nicola screamed.

Everyone turned to see who the next guest was, but no one came out. Follmer looked around confused. Had someone just taped him on the shoulder? He ignored it when he felt someone slap him over the head.

"Hey! Who is that?" He yelled.

zIts The Invisible man, your teenage hero." The voice came from next to him. Obviously the invisible man had sat down in his seat. Brad and the invisible man sat in silence for a few seconds. Brad felt someone tap him on his shoulder and he looked round but saw no one.

"Made you look!" The invisible man said from the other side of him.

"And finally guest number seven!" Nicola yelled for the final time.

Guest number seven came out from back stage.

"OH MY GOD! It's ... It's ...z Mulder couldn't complete his sentence he was so happy and excited at who his suprise guest was.

"It's Barney the Goddamn purple dinosaur?!" Nicola finished for him, not quite believing it.

Barney went up to Mulder.

"Well hello there little feller, and what might your name be?" The dinosaur asked.

"It's Mulder. Mr Barney Sir can I please have your autograph?" Mulder asked with a child like gleam in his eyes.

"Yes I would be delighted." Barney signed Mulder's forehead. "There you go young man."

"Oh my God! I have Barney's autograph!" Mulder yelled out. Mulder passed out from all the excitement. No one moved to help him, everyone just stared at him as though he was completely insane. Barney sat down in the empty chair next to Mulder.

"Well, now that everyone is here ... except Krycek who ran off screaming like a baby, let's get started with the question's and answers for our super hero guests." Nicola said.

Everyone suddenly became very uncomfortable.

"Question one. Why are you all so insistent on wearing tights?"

Super man: Because I have dam nice legs and want to show them off!

Spider man: So they don't get caught on anything as I swing from building to building.

Batman: Because I look hot in tights.

Scott: I don't wear tights. I have a fashion sense.

Barney: I cant wear tights. I'm a dinosaur.

Invisible man: I don't wear tights. I don't wear clothes all together.

"Ok I think we could have lived without knowing that little detail." Nicola turned her attention to her set of questions. "Question two. Why do you need a cape?"

Superman: To help me fly through the sky at superman speed.

Spider man: Don't wear one.

Batman: Because it looks just so cool!

Scott: Like I said. I have a fashion sense.

Barney: I cant wear capes,. I'm a dinosaur.

Invisible man: No clothes.

"Okay. Question three. What if your cape tears while in the air?"

Superman: Do the words `flat as a pancake' mean anything to you?

Spider man: I don't wear a cape. Could get caught in my web.

Batman: I don't fly. I ride in a really cool bat car!

Scott: Fashion sense.

Barney: I don't wear capes. I'm a dinosaur.

Invisible man: No clothes!

"Question four. Do you impress your girlfriends with your superpowers?"

Superman: No one knows my true identity.

Spider man: Same answer as Superman.

Batman: Same answer.

Scott: No

Barney: I don't have superpowers. I'm a dinosaur

Invisible man: No one can see me, so I have no one to impress. So I just look in on women as they're in the shower.

"Okay. Fifth and final question for the heroes. Do you look through women's clothes with your x-ray vision if you have it?" Everyone stared at Nicola. No one answered. No one wanted to tell the truth. "I will be taking everyone's silence as a yes." She turned her attention to the agents." Now I want each one of you to tell us why these super heroes are your heroes."

"Superman is just so cute!"

"Batman is the sexiest man alive!" Monica thought for a second. "Next to John of course."

"Spider man is just the coolest!"

"Scott has the coolest power and wears the coolest glasses."

"Barney is just so much fun, he's always happy and smiling and always wants to play!" Mulder said a little to enthusiastically.

"Mulder. Exactly how old are you?" Nicola asked.

"Why?"

"No reason. Just that you act as though you have the mental age of a four year old." Nicola turned to the camera. "Well that's it for this part of the show. Stay tuned for more after the commercial break. And remember keep the phone calls coming in. Remember the more suggestions the longer the show will last."


Part 8 - Childhood Fear

"And we're back with the next part of the show, in our last part we saw everyone's childhood heroes and a purple dinosaur as well. In this part we shall be discussing childhood fears." Everyone on the stage groaned. "Okay first topic will be fears, would anyone like to go first?" No one was in any kind of hurry to raise their hands in the air. "Okay well lets start with ... Dana, what was your childhood fear?"

"I never had a childhood fear!" Dana stated firmly.

"Well then you wont mind the surprise guest we have for you. SUPRISE GUEST COME ON OUT!"

Everyone turned their heads to the side and saw whom the surprise guest was. Dana instantly went pale and her eyes and mouth were open in shock. The clown made its way towards her, blowing up balloons and beeping a little horn. The clown went right up to Dana. She was gripping the armrest to the chair so hard that her knuckles turned white and she looked at the clown in fear.

"Hello Dana!" Dana began to scream and she ran off of the stage. He chased after her, yelling out "I only want to make you a balloon animal!" Mulder wanted to go chasing after her to save her from the clown but mainly because he wanted a balloon animal, but there was now a security guard behind all of them, so no one could run. He was on the verge of tears from not being able to follow and get a cool balloon animal from the clown.

"Well lets move on to ... Skinner, what's your childhood fear?" He hesitated. "Well we have a couple of surprise guests for you."

All of a sudden the audience gasped as they saw three ghosts appear behind Skinner. He saw the looks on all of their faces. He slowly turned around, saw who the ghosts were and stood up. As the short one came up to him to give Skinner a hug, Skinner pulled his fist back and punched him in the nose. The ghost fell to the floor.

"Hey Skinman if I were alive that would have really hurt. Why'd you do that for anyway?"

"Because Frohike, I knew you were going to call me Skinman."

"Missed you to AD Skinner." Langly and Byers shook Skinners hand in greeting. The Lone Gunman sat down around Skinner. Nicola was disappointed that Skinner hadn't been afraid of them. So she moved on to the next guest.

"Brad, what's your childhood fear?" He hesitated as well. "Well we have a special guest, a person who works with reptiles and spiders."

"Oh no." Brad muttered as his eyes widened in shock and horror. A man came out from backstage carrying a VERY LARGE snake around his shoulder, he made his way over to Brad. Brad stood up and backed away. "Keep that monster away from me!" He yelled.

"It's time you faced your fear! Go on hold it!" Nicola encouraged.

"Not a chance in hell!" Brad continued backing away, eventually ran off the stage in fear and locking himself in a cupboard.

"Moving along, Doggett what is your childhood fear?"

"It's ... Well ... I ... Um."

"We actually cant have a surprise guest with your childhood fear I'm afraid." Nicola looked disappointed and John produced a huge sigh of relief.

Suddenly ALL the lights went out! A girlie scream was heard from the stage, a few seconds later the lights came back on and revealed John hiding behind Monica's seat.

"What's the matter Dog-man afraid of the dark?" Frohike teased, Skinner shut him up with another punch. John blushed extremely red and returned to his own seat.

"Okay, Krycek what was your childhood fear?"

"I never had a childhood fear, I wasn't a wimp like everyone else!" A security guard came up to him and roughly pulled him out of his seat. "Hey what the hell are you doing?" Krycek screamed in anger and confusion.

The security guard said nothing as he continued to drag a struggling Krycek, another guard opened the cupboard door and the guard holding Krycek threw him in and locked the door. Screams could be heard. Krycek screaming for someone to let him out. No one moved to let him out.

"Monica, what was your childhood fear?" Nicola asked.

"What ever it is you have planned please don't." She begged for mercy.

"Well that will just disappoint our surprise guest."

Monica and everyone turned their attention to the side of the stage. The door opened and everyone looked confused when they didn't see anyone come in, then they lowered their vision and saw a walking talking doll come out from backstage.

"No." Monica whispered her eyes widening in fear and horror.

The doll walked up to Monica and the child gave a creepy nightmare sort of laugh, that made Monica very afraid.

"Want to play?" The doll asked innocently. Monica screamed, pulled out her gun and shot it down with all the bullets that were in her gun. The doll fell to the floor, not moving. Monica sighed with relief.

"Okay Mulder what was your childhood fear?" Nicola asked.

"I was a brave little boy when I was young!" Mulder stated happily.

"Sure you were, surprise guest come on out!"

One of the backstage workers came out with a shopping cart full of shopping bags. Nicola and everyone else looked at him confusedly. He walked up to Mulder.

"These are for you." He stated and put the cart in front of Mulder and then went off stage. Mulder opened one of the bags and started screaming in fear. No one has ever seen him this scared before. No one has ever heard him scream so loudly before either. Nicola didn't know what his fear was. She walked up to the shopping cart and pulled out the items that all the bags were filled with, she burst out laughing.

"Soup? You're scared of a tin of soup?"

"KEEP IT AWAY! It attacked me when I was only a little boy!"

Mulder hid behind his chair, the man from behind the stage came back and took the shopping cart away, Mulder relaxed and sat back down in his seat. Nicola turned to the camera.

"Join us after the commercial break where we shall be discussing obsessions." She looked at the tin of soup which was still in her hand. "Hey Mulder." She turned to face him, holding the soup behind her back so it was out of his view.

"Yes?"

"SOUP!!!" She yelled as she waved the can of soup in his face he screamed and ran off the stage, Nicola chasing after him, giggling like a maniac!


Part 9 - Obsessions

"Hello and welcome back to the show, now I know the last part of the show was a little frightening, we had a clown who wanted to make Dana a balloon animal, a snake, a locked cupboard and the scariest thing in the world ... soup." Mulder screamed like a girl at the mention of the evil soup. "SHUT UP! The soup is gone, what's it going to do to you anyway? Besides nothing? Anyway this part of the show will talk about obsessions."

Everyone on stage groaned. Hadn't they been tortured enough? Apparently not.

"Now, who would like to start us off?" As usual no one was in any hurry to start off. "Well I'll just have to pick someone to start for us ... Doggett, what are you obsessed about?"

"I don't have ANY obsessions." He said almost threateningly.

"Keep thinking that. We have discovered that you are obsessed with two things in this world ... and they are ... (dramatically long pause) ... NASCA ... and ... (even longer dramatic pause) ... cleaning out your gun."

"How do you know about that?" He asked suspiciously.

"Like I previously said ... I know EVERYTHING!" Nicola smiled evilly.

"It's not that much of an obsession anyway." John muttered under his breathe.

"Lets put that statement to the test shall we?" Nicola suggested.

A man wearing matching trousers and jacket walked out from backstage. His jacket has the NASCA logo on it. No one has any idea who he is ... well almost no one.

"Oh my God!" John squealed. The man in the NASCA outfit came and stood in front of John. "Can I please have your autograph? I'm a big fan of yours." The NASCA guy signed a picture for John and handed it to him. After he signed it the NASCA man walked back off the stage. John looked in shock at the autograph in his hands. And then passed out from the shock.

"Oh yeah, not obsessed at all." Nicola said with sarcasm in her voice. "Moving along to ... Krycek." She looked at Krycek's seat. It was empty. "Krycek?"

"Nicola, did you let him out of the cupboard?" Brian asked in a whisper.

"Oops."

A security guard opened the cupboard and saw that Krycek was passed out on the floor. He quickly called 911 and in no time a doctor was loading him into the back of the ambulance in order to take him to hospital. No one said anything as the ambulance drove away. Everyone turned their attention to Nicola and gave her an evil glare.

"It was an accident!" Nicola defended innocently. "Now moving along. Dana what is your obsession?"

"I don't have one, I'm normal."

"Yeah right. Isn't it true that you have an obsession with cutting up dead bodies?"

"I do not! Its my job!"

"So why in nearly EVERY episode are you always cutting up some dead people? There are other pathologists who could do it, but no it's always you." Nicola told her.

"Well we don't trust anyone else!" She defended.

"YEAH! There's a conspiracy and EVERYONE is against us!" Mulder yelled out from his seat.

"Okay, Mulder what is your obsession?" Nicola asked him, testing to see if he would admit to his obsession.

"I don't have one. I'm normal." Was his answer.

""Let me say a few words. Sunflower seeds. Aliens. Conspiracies. UFO. Abductions, need I continue?" Nicola asked sarcastically. Mulder was quiet for a few seconds, he was holding his breath, he looked as though he was about to explode, a few seconds later he couldn't hold it in anymore.

"But aliens are just so cool!... With the spaceships ... UFOs... Sunflower seeds are soooo YUMMY! ... my cupboards are full of them! And glow in the dark spaceships on my ceiling ... And Sci-fi conventions! And.... and!" Nicola interrupts him.

"Okay, Buddy, there is a fine line between hobby and obsession, you jumped on that line, spat on it and ran giggling insanely!"

Mulder got the point and shut up, now that he thought about it, maybe he was obsessed, not a big obsession just a little one. He continued to think about this as he took a packet of sunflower seeds out and started eating them very slowly.

"Okay. Moving along from Mr King of Obsessions over to ... Brad Follmer."

"Oh no." Brad buries his head in his hands.

"Oh yes! Now isn't it true you are obsessed with Monica?"

"No." He answered, obviously lying.

"Yeah right. In 'Nothing Important Happened Today' you kissed her after not seeing her in two years. I mean you don't just go up to your ex-girlfriend who you haven't seen in god knows how long and give her a great big smacking of a kiss on her lips. In '4D' you were obviously concerned for her. In `Provenance' you were there when she needed a friend. And in 'Release' you obviously cared for her, even though you turned out to be on the take from Regali."

"Well ... I ... She..." He let out a big frustrated sigh "FINE! I LOVE HER OKAY!"

"Okay, don't get your knickers in a twist. Lets move on to Skinner."

"Since you're so smart, what am I obsessed with?" He asked her, knowing he was about to be embarrassed yet again.

"Don't you even think about getting sarcastic with me!" Nicola yelled.

"Erm Nicola?" Brian whispered to get her attention, she turned to look at him. "You can't threaten the guests." He told her firmly.

"Shut up! It's MY show and I do what ever I want to!"

"God I'm so glad that I wasn't offered the job to do your Stargate talk show!" Brian said letting out a sigh of relief

"And why is that? It is going to be so much fun."

"Because there's two of you! And you're as mad as each other!"

"Thank you, she learnt it all from me." She turned back to her guests. "Now Skinner you ARE obsessed with Dana!" Nicola told him, almost threateningly.

"I am NOT!"

"Yes you ARE!" Nicola replied almost threateningly for a second time. "You KISSED her!"

"Once!" He defended.

"A kiss is a kiss. Okay and last we move onto Monica."

"Oh God no."

"Whale songs!" Nicola yelled.

"I sang then once!" Monica defended.

"But it's still not normal! And you do seem like a new ager who like all that stuff!" Nicola told her. Monica was shocked to say the least.

"How do you know all of this personal stuff?" Monica asked in disbelief at how much the teenager knew.

"Like I said earlier, I know EVERYTHING!"

"You know everything? What are you the Blair witch?" John asked. Everyone noticed that Nicola didn't answer him.

"It's time for another commercial break, thanks to everyone who is watching and don't forget to call in with your topic requests! No matter how stupid, we WILL talk about it and even if you only want a question answered we WILL answer it! See you after the break."


Part 10 - Enemies

"Welcome back to the show. Now in this part of the show we shall be talking about enemies." The crowed cheered, the guests groaned. "First of all we shall bring out probably the most hated enemy in the entire show. Cancer Man!" All the guests gasped with horror. He was supposed to be dead! Cancer man walked out onto the stage. He didn't walk to his seat, he just stood at the entrance. He was of course smoking a cigarette. "Hey smokey get in your seat." Nicola instructed.

"I don't think I will be doing that." He said as he took another drag from his cigarette.

"And why the hell not?" Nicola asked.

"Because I have information on you that would lead to your embarrassment and so I shall do what I like, otherwise I shall be forced to tell everyone your deepest darkest secrets." He threatened, taking yet another drag from his cigarette.

"You may have my deepest and darkest secret up your sleeve, but I have one of yours that is deeper and blacker than your cancerous lungs." Nicola told him with an evil smile. Cancer Man laughed, taking another drag from his cigarette before replying.

"No one has ever been able to find out my deepest and darkest secret. I doubt a little teenager such as yourself will be able to."

"Well then you wont mind if I just say it out loud, you know, since it's impossible for me to find out your secret, I must be wrong." Nicola said.

"Please go ahead, I'm very interested in hearing what you think you've found." He took a long drag from his cigarette. Nicola cleared her throat before beginning.

"When you were a little boy, a few thousand years ago, and the movie Snow White came out, at the cinema you saw it in, you..." Nicola is interrupted.

"WHOA! Just frickin whoa! How did you find out about that?" Cancer man was in shock.

"That's for me to know and you to sit and wander, now sit down before I tell everyone the rest of the story!" Nicola instructed and Cancer Man instantly cooperated. Mulder looked on in shock.

"How the hell did you get him to listen to you? I mean, how could a 16 year old girl, get a man, who is in control of basically everything and who has no files about him on any sort of database, find his deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secret and get him to do as she said?"

"Sheer talent." Nicola looked back down at her notes. "Okay, now Mulder why do you hate Cancer Boy so much?"

"He's an asshole and a murderer." Mulder said simply.

"Good enough. Cancer Man, why do you think everyone hates you so much?"

"Because they're all jealous of the power I have!" He started to do an evil laugh that reminds everyone of Dr Evil from Austin Powers.

"Actually, I hate to tell you this, but I feel like I should, everyone hates you because..." Nicola paused as she prepared to tell him the truth. "Dude you frickin stink!!!" Cancer Mans face went into a look of shock. He suddenly got up from his seat and ran into the bathroom in tears. Everyone was in flabbergasted at the site. Nicola turned to everyone on the stage. "It took you guys 9 years to kill him, so that he staid dead, and it took me less than 5 minutes to have him in tears. What's up with that?" Nicola asked.

"How the hell did you do that?" Dana asked as she yelled out the question.

"Like I said earlier, sheer talent. Now onto the next bad guy. Please welcome, the Bounty Hunter!"

"Oh god! How many of them are there?" Mulder yelled out to know one in particular. The bounty hunter came on stage and sat down in his seat.

"Now Mr Bounty Hunter. Many of your brothers have been killed by our guests. How does that make you feel?" Nicola asked him. He took a deep breath before answering.

"Really sad. I mean, I loved my brothers. I loved to spend time with them you know. We had so much fun, oozing green blood and killing some people. But now I have no one to ooze with. I'm all on my own now!" Much to everyone disbelief, the bounty hunter started crying. The audience went 'aaw'.

"He's crying?" Doggett couldn't believe it. "Mr Big Bad Alien Bounty Hunter is crying?"

"I have a right to cry." The bounty hunter defended and then ran off stage in tears and locked himself in the same bathroom as Cancer Man had just run into. Everyone stared at the door in disbelief as his sobs could still be heard.

"Okay, just to get this right, one 16 year old girl has manage to reduce a man who has all kinds of power over everyone and an alien that can look like anyone he wants to into tears and they have both run off stage to the bathroom to cry?" Mulder had to make sure he was seeing this right.

"Yeah, pretty much." Nicola states.

"Okay, I just had to make sure I wasn't dreaming or having a psychotic breakdown."

"No more than usual, so don't worry." Nicola turned to the camera. "That's it for this part of the show. I have to warn you that we are running out of topics, as you could probably tell from this part of the show. No one was embarrassed. So please if you have an requests or if I've missed out your request from earlier, then request it again! See you after the break for more."


Part 11 - Evil Pets

"Welcome back to the show everyone." The audience applauded. "Unfortunately the show is nearing its end." The audience groaned, the guests smiled. "But we still have a couple more topics to discuss before we finish." The audience cheered, the guests groaned. "This is a topic request from MoonGoddess25. She request that we discuss your childhood pets."

"You mean, we're going to discuss something normal that wont embarrass us?" John asked.

"Now where would the fun be if we did a normal topic?" Nicola sarcastically asked. "No this is no ordinary discussion, we have a special suprise for all of you. We have your childhood pets here with us at the studio..."

"But they died years and years ago." Brad interrupted her.

"Not anymore! First Mr Mulder you had a Dog isn't that right?"

"Yeah." He answered nervously.

"What was his name?"

"Um ... I called him Spooky."

"Aw that's a very cute name, and is somehow just not surprising." Nicola turned her head to the side of the stage, everyone nervously followed her actions. A wooden crate was carefully bought onto the stage. Barking could be heard from inside. Nicola turned back to Mulder. "Well there's your childhood dog and for reason which will not be said ... just yet. We have had the place the dog in that crate."

"What's the matter with him?"

"A lot more than what we have time for." She turned her attention to Brian. "Please would you bring out the other crates?" He nodded his head and signalled for the other crates to be bought onto the stage. A crate was placed in front of all the guests, they were all different sizes but all had the words 'DANGER!' written on the side. "Open John Doggett's crate please!" Nicola called. Someone wearing full body armour went and opened the crate lid, he quickly ran back off of the stage. John stood up nervously from his seat and looked inside the small crate.

"Speedy?" John whispered. The little hamster smiled sweetly at him and then showed it's teeth and its eyes glow red. John stepped behind his seat. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SPEEDY???" He yelled. Luckily for him the little hamster was to small to jump out of the crate and attack him.

"Please open the other crates!" Nicola yelled. Other men came out in full body armour and opened the crates, they all ran back off stage as soon as they were finished.

"Fluffy?" Brad looked inside the crate at his childhood pet, Fluffy the cat.

"Rollo?" Scully looked inside the crate at his childhood pet. Rollo the ferret.

"Leo?" Monica looked inside the crate at her childhood pet. Leo the fluffy rabbit.

"Rosie?" Skinner looked inside the crate at his childhood pet. Rosie the very large snake.

All of them, in synchrony, smiled sweetly at their former owners before showing their very large, sharp teeth and glowing red eyes. All of the guests jumped back.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THEM???" Brad yelled from behind his chair.

"Well the only way we could bring them on the show was to bring them back to life so we did a Steven King and took them to pet cemetery and there you go old pets with an evil twist."

"Are you insane?!?!" Dana yelled out from where she was standing on her chair.

"According to my last psyche evaluation ... Yes."

"I hope you're just quoting the movie Con Air!" Monica yelled as she kept away from her evil rabbit.

"You wish!" Looking at how scared they all where of her and the evil animals in front of them, Nicola decided, for once, to be nice. "Can the full body armour guys come and take the pets away?" Nicola ordered and within minutes the evil dead pets where back in the crates and off the stage to who knows where. The guests, the audience, the crew, everyone couldn't believe what Nicola has done. Something nice. "What? I hate that movie Pet Cemetery, it freaked me out, I was only five when I watched it. Anyway, after the break we will be discussing all the different kinds of mutants from the last nine years. Stay tuned for more and remember more topic requests the longer the show shall last, I only have a few more up my sleeve and so I need suggestions!"


Part 12 - Mutants / Aliens

"And action people!" Brian yelled.

"Welcome back to the 12th part of the show, I gotta tell you all, when I started the show. I had no idea it would last this long. Thank you. How about a round of applause for everyone at home The audience applauded, screamed and cheered. The guests on stage gave the camera a death glare. After all, it was the viewers at home who had chosen all the topics. "Now moving to our next and probably final topic for the show, but don't worry there still is another part, where I have something special planned." Nicola looked to the guests and smiled. The guests swallowed the huge lumps that had just formed in their throats. "Anyway out next topic is, mutants!" The audience went `ooh'. "Lets bring on our first mutant ... Tooms!"

"No! He was crushed in the escalator!" Mulder yelled out.

"Did you actually see a body? Nope. You saw a little bit of blood, that was it, so really we had no proof that he was actually dead." Nicola told him. Mulder sat back down as he realised something ... She was right.

Tooms walked onto the stage and took a seat. His eyes started going yellow as he looked into the audience and his eyes settled on Nicola. His mouth hung slightly open with his tongue tracing the line of his lips. His eyes locked on her. Nicola could instantly tell what he was thinking.

"Don't even think about it dude. You even try it and I shall rip the part of you which makes you a man ... Mutant man in your case," Nicola threatened him, he instantly went back to normal (well normal for him) and placed his hands over his private parts for protection. "Now Mr Tooms, why do you have an obsession with livers?"

"I do not have an obsession! ... They just help me live forever ... So I can have more livers! ... They give me everything I need for hibernation ... Livers are so useful ... Livers are just the best organ ever! ... Livers rule!"

"Okay, buddy calm down or I shall take your liver." He instantly complied with her threat. "Okay our next mutant guest is from season eight and was the first X Files case that Doggett investigated. Please welcome The Vampire ... Bat ... Thing ... Whatever the hell it was!"

John and Dana's eyes widened in horror, after all this thing was meant to be coming after them. The vampire / bat / thing makes it's way to it's seat. When a spotlight was placed on him he screamed in pain and dissolved right before everyone's very eyes. Nothing was left but a pile of dust.

"Oops," Nicola muttered. "Someone get a dustpan and brush!" She yelled out to a stage hand who quickly comes and clears the mess up. "Next mutant is the Fluke Man ... Worm ... Thing." Nicola turned her head to the side of the set. "Bring out the giant tank!" She yelled. A group of people came out from the side of the stage pushing and pulling a giant tank with dirty water onto the stage. Nicola walked up to the tank. "Hello? Any one ... thing in there?" She tapped the glass repeatedly. The fluke worm suddenly came up right next to the glass. Nicola took a step back before she realised something, it didn't look so threatening. "Who's a cute little killer fluke worm man thing?" She continued to talk baby talk.

"Nicola ... You might want to NOT taunt the mutant bad guy guests." Brian suggested.

"It's trapped behind a big load of glass silly." To make the point Nicola once again tapped on the glass. All of a sudden, the glass broke and the mutant grabbed hold of Nicola's arm. "Ew! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF ME!" Security guards came and pulled the mutant away from Nicola. She quickly grabbed something which had been hidden behind her seat, aimed it at the fluke man and yelled out. "Clear the area now!" A second later Nicola pressed the on button and everyone could see now it was a flame thrower. The mutant screamed in pain before it ran into the toilet while on fire. The door was shut behind it and everyone heard the toilet flush. Nicola turned off the flame thrower and placed it back behind her seat. The guards took the tank off the stage. Nicola sat down in her seat and when she looked up noticed everyone staring at her. "What?"

"Who the hell keeps a flame frickin thrower under their seat?" Monica asked.

"I do! Now sit down or I'll be tempted to get it out again!" Everyone quickly returned to their seats. A crazy 16 years old with a flame thrower was something they did not want to handle. "Well ... um ... There are no more mutant guests because the others you actually killed or we couldn't capture them in our really big net. But I do have an emergency topic!" The guests moan. "So Mr Tooms can go to the cafeteria where there's a special today, liver and onions." He runs off the stage, followed by a cloud of smoke. "Okay ... Now this has been on my mind for a while now. How many kinds of alien are actually out there?" The guests on stage shrug their shoulders in response. "Well first come on out Mr Alien Bounty Hunter!" Nicola calls. The alien bounty hunter walks out on stage. He doesn't do anything bad, he just takes a seat.

"Why is he being ... good?" Mulder asked.

"Because I threatened to kill him, after all he is the last of his kind since you guys killed his brother." Nicole explains to them. No one notices a tear slid down the bounty hunters cheek.

"Come on out Mr Faceless Rebel!" Nicola calls out. A faceless rebel being led by a guide dog comes out of stage. He reaches his hand out to the seat to feel where it is, but somehow manages to miss it and fall flat on his ass. The audience and the guests burst out laughing. A stage hand comes out and helps him sit down. "Thank you Mr Faceless Rebel for coming on the show, I would ask you some questions but its not like you could answer them anyway." The faceless rebel nods his head and settles into his chair. "So that's two so far. Let's see." She looks down at the cards in front of her. "Mr Knowle Rohrer!"

"NO! He got smashed into some rocks back at that desert place!" Monica screamed out.

"Well he's back just for the show," Nicola told her as Knowle Rohrer sat down in his seat. "And to prove that he really is indestructible ...z A stage hand came onto the stage with a very sharp and very large sword in his hands. He pushed it into Knowle Rohrer's stomach all the way through the back of the chair. Knowle Rohrer laughed, pulled the sword out of his and threw it at Nicola, landing just inches from her feet. "Nice throw." Nicola takes something out of her pocket, no one can see what it is. "My turn!" Nicola then throws the object to Knowle Rohrer where it lands in his lap.

He screams in pain and starts to go grey, he's turning into what looks like metal. And then once he's covered in what looks like metal, he explodes in his seat.

"What the hell was that?" Dana yells out.

"Magnetite, you know the only thing that can kill them," Nicola tells her. Nicola looks down at the cards in her hands. "Okay that's three. Next we have the black oil, but couldn't be on the show because it is currently frozen in a huge load of ice. So that makes four. Next we have the really little aliens with the big creepy black eyes, who we had no way to contact for them to come out. So that's five. That's all I can remember at the moment, well the only ones on your show." Nicola pauses for a moment. "So I guess we'll go to a break ...z But she's interrupted.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Some one screams in the audience.

"What?!?!?!" Nicola yells back.

"Help! She's having a baby!" A guy started calling.

"Bring her down over here, there's more room, someone get some blankets and hot water." Dana instructs going into her Dr Dana Scully mode. Everyone does as she instructs, the pregnant woman is brought onto the stage and placed on the floor with a pillow under her head. Dana is next to her. "Just keep breathing, that's it breathe ...z She's interrupted by Nicola.

"What the hell else is she going to do? Hold her breath?" Nicola asks.

"Not helping!" Dana tells her.

"It wasn't meant to help! I'm just saying she's not exactly going to hold her breath!" Nicola tells her. Dana looks at her, she doesn't really have an argument back. Nicola turns to the camera. "I think it's time for a commercial break. After the break we'll see if it's a girl or a boy and then we'll be be discussing our final topic for the show. Yes I'm afraid the show is coming to an end." Everyone of the guests grins "See you after the break!"

"And cut!" Brian calls. Nicola turns her attention to Dana who is coaching the woman through birth.

"That's it, push, keep pushing..."

"Push? What the hell else is she going to do, hold it in her?"

"NOT HELPING!" Dana yells at Nicola.

"And again! IT WASN'T MEANT TO!"


Part 13 - Sickly Food / Darkest Secret

"And we're back, first let me announce that the woman who went into labour at the end of the last part had twins ... and she has named them Mulder and Scully after our very own guests." The crowd went 'aaw' as the guests on stage smiled at the memory of the new twins born. "And now you guys will all be happy to hear that I have found some topics which have not been discussed! That's right, the show is still going! Before we begin I have to inform everyone that Assistant Director Walter Skinner could not be in this part of the show. He went missing during the commercial break, but don't worry we have police and security looking for him and some vicious dogs sniffing him out ... We just need to find him before the dogs do, they still think if they find a missing object, animal or person that they can to eat it. So good luck to Mr Walter Skinner." Everyone on the stage eyes went wide, that explained the empty seat. "Now our fist topic will be weird and unusual food. What have the Agents eaten which is just to disgusting to imagine? Well you're about to find out!" Nicola sat down in front the the guests, she looked at the cards in her hands and then looked up at the guests. "Now since I know none of you will willingly volunteer a story or anything, I guess I'll have to tell everyone for you." Nicola turned to Mulder. "Slugs?" Everyone moaned at the thought.

"I was three years old!" He defended.

"It's still disgusting." Nicola turned to Scully. "Candle wax?"

"I was only a little kid! And it looked a lot like candy to me!"

"Even with the fire burning at the top of it didn't give it away that it wasn't edible," Nicola commented. She turned to John. "Plastic fruit?"

"It looked very real when I was a kid," John defended.

"When I was a kid even I knew it wasn't edible." Nicola turned to Monica. "Rocks? How the hell can you eat rocks?"

"I was only four! And I learnt rocks weren't edible the hard way."

"What happened?" Nicola asked.

"I swallowed one but it didn't go down, Mama had to rip it out of my throat herself otherwise I would have died," Monica explained. Nicola turned to the camera.

"So kids remember rocks are not edible." She turned to Brad. 'Paint?"

"Like everyone else I was only four and to a four year old paint can look very tasty!" Brad defended. "I bet even you ate something that was meant to be inedible when you were little."

"Actually no I didn't. I actually knew what was food and what was not." Nicola looked down at her topic cards and back up. "Now moving along from horrible food we go to secrets and dirty secrets!" The guests on stage swallowed the huge lumps that had just formed in their throats. "Now let me see Special Agent John Doggett, what is your darkest secret?"

"I don't have any secrets."

"I find that hard to believe. So on Christmas 93, when you and Special Agent Monica Reyes were at a bar and you both had a little to much too drink, you found yourselves in the bathroom where you ...z

"STOP!" Monica and John yelled out in unison, horror written all over their faces.

"I thought you didn't have anything to hide?" Nicola asked innocently.

"Okay, so I lied," John stated.

"Now the whole world knows John Jay Doggett is a liar," Nicola told him.

"Only when you're the one asking the questions!" John defended.

"Good point there. Okay let's move onto ... Special Agent Spooky Mulder. Your darkest secret ... is that you love to play with baby toys!"

"I DO NOT!" Mulder yelled out.

"We have a special guest just to prove a point." A woman carrying baby William on her hip and a bag over her other shoulder came out from backstage. She stopped in front of Mulder and placed William on the floor. She knelt down and out of the bag produced a number of baby toys. Mulder's eyes went wide. An almost childish look came on his face. The woman finished unpacking the toys and walked off the stage.

"Oh look William is alone, I better play with him and the toys so he doesn't feel alone, after all that's what all parents do with their ... OH MY GOD! A BARNEY THE DINOSAUR STUFFED TOY!" Mulder grabbed the toy and pulled the stuffed dinosaur into a big hug.

"Case proven and closed!" Nicola smiled triumphantly. "Now Dana, your darkest secret ... When you were little, your parents thought you were the perfect little girl, sweet and innocent ... WRONG! We found out that when you were seven you buried a fellow classmate's head in the sandpit."

"I was seven! And that kid made fun of me!" Dana defended.

"Do you remember who this poor, innocent, defenceless child was?" Nicola asked.

"No, it was a long time ago ... not that I'm old or anything," Dana quickly added. Everyone looked at her disbelievingly.

"Right," Nicola whispered. She turned to John. "Doggett, so any of these events sound familiar to you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, unbelievably.

"Wait John," Monica interrupted. "I remember, you were that boy."

"And how would you know that?" Nicola asked, adding yet another lovely twist to this whole thing.

"Because, I ..." Monica started to shift in her seat uncomfortably. "I helped Dana bury the boy in the sand pit."

"You what?!" John yelled. "That was you?"

"Yeah, but it was all fun in games." Monica gave him an innocent smile.

"I couldn't get the taste of sand out of my mouth for weeks." John couldn't believe that she had helped bury his head in the sand.

"I'm sorry, I promise never to bury your head in the sand again," Monica promised as she held up her right hand like a boy scout. "Scouts honour."

"You were never a scout," John stated.

"Whatever, I wont bury your head in the sand again, I promise as much as it may tempt me I shall resist the urges," Monica told him. He nodded in satisfaction.

"Now Special Agent Monica Reyes, your deepest ... darkest ... secret is ... the same as Assistant Director Brad Follmer ... your relationship in New York!" Nicola announced.

"Which is over with. Dead and buried. NEVER to be resurrected," Monica stated firmly.

"But Monica, I love you," Brad told her honestly.

"Our relationship is six feet under." Monica ignored his words.

"But..." Brad started but again Monica interrupts him.

"SIX FEET UNDER! DEAD! BURIED! CREMATED! GONE! NEVER TO RETURN!" Her voice became stronger with each word. Brad looked at her shocked and then he looked down and gazed at the ground. It was really over, he quickly wiped a tear which had escaped his eye before anyone saw. Nicola turned to the camera.

"Stay tuned for more. Don't forget to request your topics or any questions you want answered, let me know."

"And we're out," Brian calls. As soon as he does Brad stood up from his seat and as casually as he could walked to the bathroom. He closed the door with a loud slam and locked it behind him. Everyone stared at the door as they could hear the noises of someone crying.

"I'm just going to go talk to him," Monica told John softly. She walked over to the door and gently knocked. "Brad? It's me Monica. Are you ...z Before she could finish her question the door is quickly opened and she was pulled in by Brad's arms. The door was slammed and locked after she was pulled in. Everyone looked on in shock.


Part 14 - Fight! Fight! Fight!

"Welcome back to the show. In case you've just joined us let me introduce the guests. We have Fox Mulder!" The crowd cheered. "Dana Scully!" The men in the crowd whistled. "The sexy John Doggett." The women whistled and screamed. "Monica Re..." And then Nicola remembered what had happened at the end in the last part of the show. "Oh crap." She stomped over to the bathroom door and started pounding it with her fist. "Monica! Brad! Get your butts out of there this instant!" There was no sound coming from inside the bathroom. Nicola continued to pound and shout. "If you don't come out of there this instant I will get the hose and I will use it!" The lock to the door was heard unlocking, a moment later the door opened and Monica followed by Brad came out of the men's room. Monica's hair was all ruffled and her clothes where wrinkled. Brad's hair was out of style, a complete mess, lipstick all over his face. He had, at some point while in the men's room, lost his suit jacket and tie and now his shirt buttons were half undone, showing lipstick kisses over his chest. "Get back in your seats!" Nicola ordered and they instantly obeyed. Monica sat down next to John, she couldn't look him in the eye. Everyone could see John trying to control his anger. "John is there something you want to share with the rest of us?"

"Yes there is." He stood up from his seat and walked over to stand in front of Brad. He didn't waste any time in punching Brad right in the face, making his chair topple over backwards resulting in Brad falling to the floor. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" John yelled at him. John turned to Monica. "How could you Mon? With that slime bag?"

"Well, I was just ... He ... We just didn't think. And he was touching me and I couldn't help but touch him back and we ended up on the bathroom sink..." She was interrupted by Nicola.

"Monica stop right there! We do not want that kind of visual thank you very much." Monica mouthed a 'sorry'. Nicola turned to John and Brad. Brad had recovered from the punch and was now in a staring contest with John. "If you two must fight out this manly display of testosterone levels, I suggest you do it the professional and gentlemen way."

"Arm wrestling?" Brad asked.

"Poker?" John asked.

"Nope." Just as Nicola said this a curtain was lifted from behind the chairs to reveal a wrestling ring. Everyone's jaw dropped to the floor. "The only fun way to do it. Professional wrestling."

"But we're not professional. We're not even beginners!" John told her.

"I don't care. Let's ask the audience." Nicola turned to face the audience. "Would you like to see Special Agent John Doggett and Assistant Director Brad Follmer in wrestling clothes, fighting each other in a hot and sweaty battle?" The audience erupted in the biggest cheer so far, some of the women had even passed out just from the thought of that kind of fight. "It's a unanimous vote. If you two would proceed backstage you will find your wrestling outfits waiting and ready." John and Brad went off stage to change into their outfits. Nicola turned to Mulder. "And you have a special job in this event." Mulder swallowed hard. "You will be the referee of this once in a lifetime fight. Now if you proceed backstage as well you will find a nice referee outfit waiting for you." Mulder actually manage to smile for the first time on this show. That didn't seem like a bad job, just standing there while the other two kicked the crap out of each other. Mulder stood up and went backstage to get changed. Nicola turned to Monica and Dana. "And you two will simply watch as the men fight, I have popcorn, some beer and plenty of sweets, that's the English for candy before you ask, to go around." Monica and Dana also for the first time since coming on the show actually smiled a real, non forced, smile. For once they had the better end of the deal.

The three women took their seats next to the ring. Mulder came out from backstage, stepped under the black ropes and to the centre of the ring. He was wearing plain black trousers and a black and white stripe top.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen for this once in a lifetime event. In the left corner weighing at approximately 130 pounds, the man who can't take the hint that it's over between him and Miss Monica Reyes. Brad 'Blondie' Follmer!" Half of the crowd screamed as he came out wearing a pair of dark blue shorts and some big ass boots. "And his opponent in the right corner, weighing at approximately 128 pounds, the man who doesn't believe in anything paranormal and who loves Miss Monica Reyes. John 'Dog-Man' Doggett!" The other half of the crowd screamed and whistled as John came in in a pair of long black, extremely tight, trousers, which showed his butt to perfection and also wearing a pair of kick ass boots. Just as John blew a kiss to Monica a noise sounded from above. Everyone looked up to see a cage coming down from the ceiling

"What the hell is that thing?" Dana asked.

"Did I forget to mention it? This is no ordinary wrestling match, this is my personal favourite type of match. This is Hell In The Cell!" Nicola announced. "In other words, no rules."

John and Brad started to circle each other, each of them getting in a few punches. Brad went to take a swing at John but John managed to catch his arm and smashed his head against the cage wall.

"Why can't you just take the hint that Monica and you are over Mr Assistant Director?" John again smashed his head against the cage wall, cutting him. Brad whipped around and forced John to the floor and put him into the ankle lock.

"Because Mr Doggett, what we did just now in that men's room told me she still wants me." John kicked Brad with his free leg, and continued to kick the Assistant Director.

"Well she admitted she loves me and I love her more than anything, so back off!" John yelled as Brad swiped his legs round causing John to fall to the floor.

"If you're so in love with her, explain your feelings towards Agent Scully." Brad was about to punch John again when a hand stopped him. Everyone looked up and saw Mulder with an angry look on his face.

"John doesn't have feelings towards Dana, she's with me," he stated firmly.

"They were alone in that office for nearly a year, didn't you even wonder what happened down in that office?" Brad asked him with a smug look on his face. Mulder let go of Brad's arm and turned to John who was now standing up. Mulder instantly punched him.

"Ow! Mulder! What the hell was that for?" John yelled out as he held his bleeding nose.

"You slept with Dana you bastard!" Mulder went for John again, but John moved out of his reach.

"Can't you see what Follmer is doing? He's turning the two of us against each other so we won't kick his ass," John explained. Mulder and him instantly turned to Brad who was busy trying to get the door to open. He felt a tap on his shoulder and when he turned around a fist instantly connected with his face.

Meanwhile, Nicola, Dana and Monica were watching with wide eyes. Nicola was eating some sweets while Dana and Monica shared a bowl of popcorn.

"This is so much better than watching it all at home on television," Nicola commented. The other two nodded their heads in agreement.

"Nicola," Brian whispered. "Nicola you need to end this part of the show," he told her.

"Yeah sure, just give me a..." She paused as she watched the action in the ring. Mulder had just grabbed Brad by the part of a man which should never be grabbed the way it had just been by Mulder. "That has got to hurt!"

Seeing that Nicola was preoccupied with the very hot and sexy men fighting in front of her, Brian turned to the camera. "Join us after the break, it looks as though the next part will be the last, we only have one more topic left for the show and so it will be coming to an end soon. That is unless you call in with some topic requests! Join us after the break for more." He paused as the red 'On Air' sign switched off. Brian turned to look at the action in the ring. He quickly pulled up a chair and sat down next next to Nicola who handed him a drink.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long to join in on the action."

"It was killing me, I had to do my job." Brian took a sip of his drink as he watch the fight in front of him. "Man John has a really nice chest, look at the biceps on those arms! What I wouldn't give to have them wrapped around me!"

"I couldn't agree with you more." Nicola raised her drink and Brian instantly toasted to with her to the fight in front of them.


Part 15 - Sexual Tension / Halloween / Whipped Cream?

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I am afraid the show is coming to a close." The guests on the stage smiled. The hell was almost over! "Since topics have dried up I have decided to quit while I'm ahead." Nicola looked sad, but then she beamed. "But we still have this last part of the show and that means I have something special planned for everyone. I will just say this as a hint of what's to come. Whipped cream." Everyone looked very confused. Brian looked at the notes he had in his hands on how the show had earlier been planned on ending. Whipped cream? That was not what he had written down. "Anyway now topic number one for the final part is a question. Why the hell do none of you want to resolve the sexual tension? I mean, Mulder and Scully, you waited nearly eight years to get it on. I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way, but I don't understand how you managed to hold off the urge to just throw each other on top of the desk and do the dirty deed!" Nicola exclaimed.

"We were partners and it's against bureau procedure to boink your co-worker," Mulder explained.

"But still nearly eight years." Nicola looked towards John and Monica. "And you two! The fans still have no idea where your relationship stands. I mean, Monica when you whipped the mustard away from the corner of his lip, why didn't you just lick it off? I bet he would have loved that!"

"I... he..." Monica stuttered.

"And you!!!" Nicola yelled turning to look at John. "You're even worse! After the car accident you just let her walk into her apartment with a 'good night'? And in the car she practically told you she wanted to kiss you and make love to you and you just blew her off! Oh and then the thing with Tommy and his monsters. Hello to whatever is inside your head but you believed in something unexplainable to save her life, you took the leap. Why didn't you take the next? And then when you find out what happened to your son, she was there for you and you just gave her a hug! That was the ultimate perfect time for you to make some kind of move, I mean you had your release, let her in! And then all the stuff that happened with the Brady Bunch guy. She held your hand for Gods sake, that's when you're supposed to sweep her up in your arms and kiss her. And my all time favourite ending the two of you had. When you just drove off into the desert. Fans didn't know what had happened to you guys! And if you two aren't in the next film and what happened after you drove off isn't explain Chris Carter will be receiving some very angry fan mail!"

Nicola stopped and started to catch her breath. Everyone looked at her shocked, they were speechless. Then someone in the audience started clapping, followed by someone else and eventually the entire crew, audience and cast were applauding.

"Thank you." Nicola bowed from her seat.

"We all would have liked to of relieved the sexual tension but that really horrible guy Chris Carter wouldn't let us," Dana explained.

zIf you could do anything to him this very moment, what would you do?" Nicola asked.

"Lock him up in a cage full of hungry lions!" Mulder yelled.

"Lock him in a tank full of sharks!" Dana yelled.

"Shoot him!" John yelled.

"Beat the crap out of him!" Monica yelled.

"Well everyone please welcome out, Mr Chris Carter!" Nicola yelled as Chris came out on the set waving. The audience were 'booing' and throwing rotten fruit at him. Chris looked very nervous. He could feel all the death glares people were giving him. "And Mr Chris Carter we have a surprise guest for you. BRING OUT THE SUPRISE ... GUEST!"

Everyone turned their attention to the side of the set where someone came out in full protective clothes and on a leash they had a fully grown lion. Chris gulped the mass which had formed in his throat.

"YES!" Mulder yelled out as he saw the lion.

A security guard went up to Chris, took his hand and cut it with a knife.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?" Chris yelled as blood started running down his hand. No one answered him as everyone saw the lion lick him lips and very sharp teeth at the sight of the fresh blood. "Oh shit!" Chris yelled as he ran off stage. The person holding the lions leash tried to keep hold of it, but the lion was to strong and broke free, running in the same direction which Chris had previously ran in.

"There you go!" Nicola yelled and everyone smiled at the sight of the man who had tortured them all running like a scaredy cat. "Next topic which was a request made by Rach yet again, halloween costumes!" Everyone groaned. "Cue the cheezy inspirational music!" Nicola yelled. Horrible music which you would hear when on hold on the telephone started playing. Also on the screens around the studio photos started showing. Mulder dressed as an alien. Dana dressed as a clown and crying her eyes out. Doggett dressed as a police officer, when he accidentally put the hand cuffs on himself and lost the key. Monica dressed as a vampire, while she choked on the fake teeth which kept falling out of place. Brad dressed as Uncle Fester, electrocuting himself when trying to light up the light bulb and another picture of him dressed as Robin Hood. Nicola couldn't help but grin, he did look damn good in tights. And finally Skinner as Cousin It, when he choked on the giant wig. And then the music stopped. Everyone on stage were red with embarrassment. "WAIT!" Everyone turned their attention to Nicola. "There is still one more photo." The camera showed the last photo to everyone.

"OH MY GOD! I thought I burned that!" Mulder yelled. Being shown to everyone was a picture of him, when he was extremely drunk and decided to borrow him Mom's clothes and makeup and dressed like a girl, who had no fashion co-ordination.

"And now the final topic before my mystery suprise. Facts and Fiction. Is there really a difference when it concerns them?" Nicola indicated towards the guests on stage. "I will now give out a load of facts which no one ever wanted the public to know." She cleared her throat. "Fact: Fox Mulder likes to dress up like a girl on a regular basis."

"I do not!" Mulder yelled.

"Fact: Monica Reyes secretly fantasises about having a threesome with John Doggett and Brad Follmer."

"Monica!" John yelled in disbelief.

"I only thought about it once!... twice ... occasionally ... a lot," Monica admits as John is still in shock and Brad looks kind of turned on.

"Fact: Dana Scully secretly fantasises about what it would be like to have a giant orgy with Fox Mulder, Monica Reyes, John Doggett, Walter Skinner, Brad Follmer AND Alex Krycek!"

"DANA!" Everyone on stage yelled in horror.

"I only thought about it a couple of times," She defended.

"Fact: John Doggett once shot his own brother in the butt."

"He asked for it!" Everyone looked at him, not believing him. "No I mean it he really asked me one day to shoot him in the butt, he wanted the scar to show off to the girls."

"Fact: Walter 'Baldy' Skinner actually isn't bald, he shaves him head." Everyone gasped in horror.

"It looks cool and sexy!" He defended.

"Fact: Brad Follmer is actually a good and decent guy." Everyone burst out laughing.

"What?" He yelled, not really expecting an answer.

"Well that's all the facts I have, but I do have one for fiction." Nicola cleared her throat. "Fiction: This show is actually based on real events!" Everyone laughed harder. "And now at the request of someone who wanted to be known as 'Remus Is Dodgy' we have the long awaited whipped cream surprise!"

The room was suddenly filled with whipped cream. It went everywhere, all over the audience, all over the crew, all over the cast. Everyone laughed and screamed as they played around in it, eating it. Nicola looked around at everyone from her seat. She laid her head back in her seat and closed her eyes. The sound of the room and everyone slowly fading away.

"Nicola? Nic?" Nicola felt someone poke her cheek. She looked up and saw her friend Alex (Alexandra) sitting next to her in English class. "I can't believe you fell asleep! You missed the entire lesson," Alex told Nicola as she stood and started packing away her English books, Nicola followed her actions.

"Did I miss anything interesting?" Nicola asked.

"Just more reading of the worst book ever written. At one point you started whispering in your sleep, I had to put my hand over you mouth to shut you up!"

"I guess I should say thanks."

"What the hell were you dreaming about?" Alex asked as they walked out of the room. Nicola didn't answer her question, she only produced a huge grin.

THE END!


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