Category/keywords: Mulder and Scully Relationship/Shipper/MulderPOV/Mulder Angst
Spoilers: "En ami","Millennium", "Fight the Future"
Dedication: To all the Mulder/Scully shippers out there and fellow X-Philes. A special dedication to my friend and "sister" Jess who helped me come up with this idea one night and encouraged me to write it. And also to the real "Mulder" in my life, my supportive and loving husband.
Summary: After his partner has returned back from her trip with the CSM, Fox Mulder feels betrayed. Now he sits in his apartment in the darkness with a loaded gun and contemplates the past seven years of their partnership and friendship. Can Scully save him from this darkness or will it consume him?
Feedback: Please....I love it! This is my first attempt at writing a fic from Mulder's POV so please let me know what you think!
Archive: yeah sure just let me know where it's going
Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me but are the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013 Productions. Any similarities to the names or places of the fictional aspects of this story are purely coincidental.
Note: I have always wondered exactly what happened at the end of "En ami". It was obvious that Mulder was very hurt at Scully not telling him anything, so what did he do?Obviously something must have happened to have him gain her trust again. Anyway this fic attempts to explore that.
Sitting in the darkness, I lay my head back and take in slow, deep breaths. The contemplations in my mind are mirrored by the blackness which surrounds me. Even the faint light which radiates from my fish tank brings me no comfort. I shun it as well as the creatures who swim so peacefully and appear full of bliss. I hate them. Hate them for not being a part of the world that I am now sinking into. A world that I thought I had escaped from many years ago and would never return to. The world that tried to claim me so many times in the past but failed. There had appeared a light in that darkness to lead me out and make me want to live. But now that light has begun to flicker and I find myself standing just on the other side of that doorway. The doorway that leads to that place which is devoid of love,happiness,peace, friendship and trust.
I clench my fists. How could she do this to me?After seven years of building a friendship based on trust and understanding how could she do this?She was my light, my beacon, my reason to want to keep going. The reason that I had not taken a gun to my head and actually pulled the trigger. She was the only one who truly understood me and made me feel whole. Who showed me a different side of the world other than what I have known. And now in less than a week everything that has been built on this friendship and partnership has been claimed by darkness. Temptation has reared its ugly head and triumphed for evil. And a part of me has been ripped apart as well. I can feel the protective shell beginning to form around me that I had previously shed. I'm now finding out that she has been just like all the others. All the others who have promised me heaven and given me hell. Who have made me open myself up only to be hurt. And now I sit here a shattered man.
I would have died for her. Gone to the ends of the earth for her. Avenged her death to the end of my days. I would even have been willing to change my life for her had it been called for. Now all I can do is sit here and hate her for doing this to me. Hate her for making me feel like a fool. Hate her for breaking her trust for a man we have grown to despise! The very one who is responsible for all the pain we have suffered! The smoking devil himself! I can almost see him leering at me now, taunting me from across the room. Laughing as he holds Scully by the neck, whispering into her ear. That bastard! He has taken my Scully away from me!
Picking up a pillow from the couch I throw it hard against the wall. I then bring my legs to my chin on the couch. Rocking back and forth, I remember that special night. The night that brought more hope for me, bringing me closer to that light. The feel of her tender lips on mine for that brief moment is something I shall never forget. It was the kiss of an angel, my savior, my guiding star in the dark sky. And it was at that moment in time that I felt the wall around my heart collapse and the possibility of a new life forming in my mind. And now that kiss has become one of betrayal, from a temptress,a claimer of souls.
On the way back, I had chosen to close myself off from her. Even though she had tried desperately to explain to me the reasons for her actions, I ignored her. All I knew was that she had lied to me, betrayed my trust. Had gone with the one responsible for the horrors we had faced. And all I wanted to do was get away from her, get back home to my sanctuary. And now as I sit here, I find myself thinking about that gun once again. What would it matter anyway?The one person I truly cared for has now betrayed me! I glance over at the holster on the table containing the item that could change everything, could end my misery. It's then that I hear a knock at the door. I put my head between my knees choosing to ignore it. I then hear another knock followed by a voice.
"Mulder, it's me."
Normally that familiar phrase would bring joy to me. Hearing her voice on my cell or answering machine would send waves of comfort and happiness through me. But now all it does is serve as a knife which plunges deep into my heart and tears it. I hear another knock.
"Mulder, please open the door. I know you're in there."
I lift my head and turn towards the door. "Go away, Scully."
"Please, Mulder. I just want to talk to you."
"There's nothing to talk about!" I find myself snapping back.
A clicking sound resounds from the door before it slowly opens. Standing in the doorway the figure places keys back in their pocket. "Mulder, why is it so dark in here?"
"Because the lights are off."
"Dammit, Mulder that's not what I'm talking about!" She then closes the door behind her. "If I'm going to talk to you, I would rather do it with some light."
"Knock yourself out."
She lets out a sigh before flipping the light switch by the door.
I squint slightly as the light hits my eyes, causing my pupils to dilate. Feeling my head pounding, I put my hand to my forehead, rubbing it. "All right, now that you've taken away my atmosphere and given me an excruciating headache, what do you want?"
"Atmosphere?" She asks looking around the room. "You call sitting in the darkness all by yourself and feeling sad, ATMOSPHERE?!"
"What do you want?" I ask in a now irritated voice.
"I came over here to talk to you."
"And I told you there is NOTHING to talk about." I reply as I cross my arms. "Is that it?"
"What's happened to you?" She asks looking into my blank, unfeeling eyes.
"Nothing." I reply gruffly.
"Nothing?I wouldn't call coming back here, sitting in the dark and..." She glances at the holster on the table that is unsnapped. "Having a loaded gun in front of me, nothing."
"I wanted to have it in case someone came to my door complaining about the lights being out."
"That isn't funny, Mulder."
"On the contrary, I think it's quite humorous in this situation."
"I know what you're thinking about doing. And the Fox Mulder I know would never agree to...."
I stand up from the couch at this point. "Yeah? Well that's no problem cause the Fox Mulder you know is dead!"
"What.....what are you talking about?"
"He's dead!" I flail my arms in the air. "D-E-A-D. Dead! You understand it now? Or do I need to spell out in clearer words?!"
She stares back at me in shock obviously as a result from my words. "The Fox Mulder I know wouldn't..."
"Oh will you SPARE me the Fox Mulder crap?!" I look back at her with fire in my eyes. "In case you didn't notice, I am on the edge of my rope of sanity here!"
"Why....why are you saying these things?" She whispers taking a swallow.
"Because....." I point to my door. "You killed me when you walked through that door just hours ago. When you walked in with that....that useless tape!"
"That tape I was given was supposed to benefit mankind!" She screams back. "That's the only reason I took it in the first place! Because I didn't want others to have to suffer from cancer like I did or other kinds of disease. There is enough suffering in the world as there is, I just wanted to try and make a difference!Is that such a terrible thing?And I had no clue that it was useless when I brought it here contrary to what you think!"
"Yeah and that's because you were listening to what HE told you!"
"Oh come on, Scully you know damn well who I'm talking about!" I can feel the anger within me building just thinking about him much less speaking of him. "Mr. CGB Spender?Chain smoking son of a bitch?Corrupter and claimer of souls?Any of those names ring a bell?"
She put her hands out defensively in front of me. "Ok, you know what, I don't have time for this. I came over here to talk to you civily but obviously that isn't an option. I'll leave you to wallow in your pity!" She turns and starts to walk away.
"You just can't face the fact that he possesses you can you?"
At this point, she stops dead in her tracks. "What?"
"I can see it even now." I reply speaking towards her even though her back is still turned. "Even though you're away from him, you're not. He used you and told you what he did to get it. He took advantage of your sweet, innocent personality as a doctor to make you believe. And once you fell into that trap, he claimed you for his own. He corrupted you just as he has all others who cross his path."
She now turns around to face me. "Is that what you think?That just because I spent a few days in the prescence of this man that he....he somehow turned me into this manipulative, evil person?"
"You said it, not me." I reply in an unemotional voice.
"Do...do you really think so little of me?" She whispers her voice almost breaking.
"To be honest, at this point I don't know WHAT to think of you." I reply coldly unaffected by the tears now present in her eyes. The temptress is now just trying to lure me in with her emotions but I will not succumb. Not this time. "I don't even know who you are."
"How...how can you say that?" She places a hand on my cheek. "I'm Dana Scully, the one who has been your partner and friend for seven years, remember?"
The feel of her touch to me is cold as ice,unfeeling. "Yeah, sure I remember what she used to be like."
"USED to be?" She asks in a confused voice. "Mulder, what are you..."
I pull away from her hand."The Dana Scully I know would not have broken my trust."
"Broken your trust?Is that what you think I did?"
"You left without telling me!" I snap.
"I told you I was leaving and not to worry." She replies with a firm tone.
I lean into her pointing. "You told me that you were leaving because of a family emergency. You said NOTHING about the company you were keeping."
"I thought it would be best under the circumstances."
"You lied to me!" I find myself screaming throwing my hands up.
"I had no choice!Don't you understand?!"
"Do I understand that my partner of seven years who I trusted more than anyone lied to me?No, I don't!"
"Do you think that was easy for me?"She asks with her voice shaking.
"You made your choice clear to me.You couldn't even speak to me on the phone because you couldn't face the fact of what you had become." I look into her eyes. "A traitor,a slave and mistress of the devil." I then feel a sharp pain on the side of my face. My cheek is stinging and I look back to see her standing there recoiling her hand,shaking.
"You bastard." She whispers, her lip trembling. "How dare you!"
I stand there before her in shock after her slapping me. I must be honest when I say I never would have seen this coming,not in a million years. HE has caused her to do this!The person I care about more than anyone has touched me,inflicted physical pain upon me. I raise my hand and place it where she has left her mark. I close my eyes tightly not believing this is happening. I can feel my heart shattering as I touch the side of my face.I've lost her and there is nothing I can do now.He has claimed her, poisioned her against me. "Get out."
"Did you hear what I said?" I ask clenching my fists.
She places a hand on my shoulder. "Mulder, I'm....I'm sorry."
I instantly push her hand off of me as if it were an object burning. "Get the hell out of here!" I yell as loud as I can. I then quickly turn away from her, trying to hide my face which is now welling up with tears. Tears caused from anger,frustration and emotional pain. I never thought that she would be the one responsible for giving me tears like this. I always thought she would compose the ones responsible for joy,relief and love. I can literally feel my world crashing around me and HE is standing at the top of it,throwing things down. I can now hear his voice in my head.
'She has rejected you and belongs to me now.Did you ever really think that you could love her?Or that she could love you?You are nothing but a pitiful fool, Fox.You know what you need to do now to end your miserable existence.' It's then that a voice breaks through his.
I then realize it belongs to his mistress. I open my eyes as I take in a breath. "What?"
"I am not leaving here." She replies defiantly. "Not until I accomplish what I came to do here in the first place."
It's at this point that I turn around and show her the pain evident on my face. It is etched on me and emphasized even more by the tear trickling down my cheek. I have cried before her many times but never because she had hurt me. "Haven't you done enough?"
As she looks back at me, I can see her expression changing. The fire that was evident in her eyes has now faded and been replaced once more by the natural blueish-green color. "Why are you acting this way?"
"I already told you."
She shakes her head. "No, I feel it's more than just that."
"There is NOTHING ELSE!" I reply throwing my hands down. "I would say what you did says enough."
"I'm sorry that I slapped you but what you said was so hurtful."
"Hurtful?Hurtful?How do you think I feel?"
"I know how you feel. That's why I came over here to talk to you."
"To hurt me!"
"No. To explain to you why I did what I did." She pauses. "I know you think I betrayed your trust but I assure you I didn't do it for the reasons you think."
"And what POSSIBLE reason could make betraying my trust any better?" I then turn away from her. "I don't want to hear this. Get out."
"You disappoint me, Mulder."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I would think that after seven years that you would respect me enough not to judge me. That you would allow me to explain myself. I never did that to you."
"In all of the seven years we have worked together I have never been judgmental towards you."
At this point I turn back towards her. "Oh don't give me that innocence crap! You thought my theories on the paranormal were crap at times!"
"That's true." She pauses as she sees my victorious smile. "However, even IF I did think they were crap as you referred it as, I never just completely discredited you. I allowed you to explain yourself. And I may not have always agreed with you BUT I respected you. Even when Diana Fowley showed up, I respected you enough towards the end to handle it. True, I believed that she betrayed you and worked for the other side but in the end I trusted everything to you. And what ended up happening in the end?She lead me to save you. Had I chosen to keep that same judgment about her and you then perhaps things would have turned out differently. Of course I can't say that for certain. But the point is that I did not judge you....EVER. And I would hope that you would have that same respect for me in this situation."
Why is she bringing up Diana?It was no secret that she didn't like her. "But there is one difference in that I didn't just leave with her somewhere without telling you!"
She nods. "That's true. And what about the other times that you ditched me while we were on some kind of case?When you left me having to answer questions sometimes that I had no clue about. When I risked my career and reputation to save your ass!During those times did I EVER judge you?"
For the first time since she has been here, she has left me speechless.In my mental state, I had never stopped to consider the possibility that I had done something similiar to her.People have always said that the truth can hurt and in this case it does. It's almost come up and bitten me in the ass....HARD.
"Good, I can see that I've obviously hit something home with you." She reaches over and takes my hand, looking deep into my eyes. "I chose not to tell you because I knew if I did, you would tell me not to do it. And....I knew if you did, that I wouldn't go against your word."
I look at her dumbfounded. "What?"
"Contrary to what you think, I respect your word and beliefs. And had you told me not to go I wouldn't have." She lets out a sigh. "And....if I had spoken to you on Skinner's phone and heard your voice....it would have made me turn back."
Is she really saying these words to me?Admitting that I have some kind of influence over her?But in this case the influence is of her own free-will and not by force.
"I...I really did believe him, Mulder. I swear to you, I did. I believed that he held the cure to all disease and was going to share it with me. And I..I thought this was something that we could share together and benefit from.And..."She lowers her head. "I can't help but admit that I wanted you to be proud of me. That...that I went after something without question and that I did it on my own."
I can feel myself slowly starting to come out of my depressive and resentful state.The words coming from her are from her soul not her mouth. And these words are ones that would not have come from HIM.Perhaps I still have my Scully after all?I place my hand under her chin and slowly raise her head. "Scully, I have always been proud of you."
"You...you have?" She asks me in a hushed whisper.
I nod. "Always. I can't think of a better partner that I watched mature from case to case.That made me want to stand up and cheer on her efforts."
"Then why....why were you so angry with me earlier?"
Now it's my turn to have my feelings put on the spot. I have been in this situation once before....two years ago. When she had come to my apartment to tell me that she was quitting the FBI. I had confessed my true feelings for her that day in the hallway. Told her how much I needed her although it's possible that I may not have been totally clear as to how that pertained. I knew what I meant but that doesn't mean that she did. And just as I was ready to show my affection for her, an unexpected event had occurred. At that time, I wondered if fate had something to do with that bee. That the bee was a way for someone to tell me that it wasn't right and that we should remain just friends. And in all reality, I hated that damn bee. But as the years went on,I began to understand it more. It wasn't that it wasn't right...it was that it wasn't right AT THAT TIME. But now....two years later, it is. "I was angry at you, Scully because....I was afraid I had lost you."
I nod. "I was afraid that after seven years,my partner,the only one I have trusted,my confidant and best friend had gone to the other side. That...HE had somehow corrupted you. And...the one person I care about more than anything had been taken away from me. I just...." I pause taking a swallow, trying to push back the tears forming.
"Oh, Mulder." She reaches her hands around and pulls me into an embrace.
I lay my head on her shoulder and let the tears come. I can feel my body shaking as I bury my face into her comforting shoulder.How many years in the past have we shared this?She has always been there with me in my worst times of trouble. And I know had she been there with me in my distant past, I would never have gotten to the desolate place I was at when we first met. I can now feel her hands caressing my hair as I continue to sob. I hold on to her tightly,believing she is my angel once again. She then pulls my head back gently and kisses my forehead tenderly. I take in a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm....I'm so sorry, Scully."
"It's all right, don't you know that?There is nothing terrible you could do that would make me not forgive you." She kisses me tenderly on the cheek.
Taking in another breath, I pull back and place my hands on the side of her face. I look deep into her eyes as I begin to caress her cheek gently with my thumb. I find myself searching her eyes, much like I did in that hallway two years ago. "I've lost too much in my life, Scully. The last thing that I want to lose is you."
She gives me a smile. "You will never lose me, Mulder."
I exchange a smile back to her as I continue to caress her soft skin. It feels so delicate against my finger. I find myself now being drawn to her pouty lips. I slowly lean my head toward hers. "Scully..."
"Yes, Mulder?" She whispers.
"You can stop me anytime." I reply tilting my head slightly. I can feel my heart beating as I inch ever closer to her lips. There is no bee this time and this is not going to be like New Years Eve either. I can hear her breath intake quicken slightly as I perch my lips just above hers. Her lips are beckoning to me even more now. "Save me, Scully." I reply in a pleading whisper.
"Mulder..." She says in a hushed whisper. "Kiss me."
I then close the gap between us as I place a tender kiss on her lips. Immediately the image of us on New Years comes into my head, the innocent kiss that we shared. But I want this kiss to be different, more than a kiss between friends. I deepen the kiss slightly as I continue to feel the sensations coursing through my body. I can feel all of my sadness washing away from me by her lips. This kiss is allowing my wall to come crashing down and that light of hope to flicker once again. I want so much to continue with this but I don't want to rush things too much. It's enough that she is here with me now. I slowly pull back and can see she is shaking. "Scully?"
"Are you sure?"
She nods. "It's just that I've been wanting to do that since New Years."
"Yes, but I was afraid that you wouldn't want to. I was afraid that it would jeopardize our friendship."
"Really?" She pauses. "And I was afraid that...after what happened with this....that I would never have that chance again."
"I was afraid of the exact same thing. That was why I was so upset but I didn't want to tell you that."
"Aren't we quite the pair?" She replies with a grin.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." I reply back taking her hair and placing it behind her ear. "What do you say, we get out of the doldrums and go get something to eat?"
"Before we do that, I want you to answer me one question."
She pauses. "Would you have taken that gun and killed yourself?"
I close my eyes and let out a sigh. "If I had really lost you....yes. I have nothing else left to live for, Scully. And the...thought of him taking the one thing that has given me strength over these years is just something I couldn't..."
Before I can finish, she reaches over and places another kiss on my lips. I am taken completely by surprise by it but return it. She then pulls back. "I'm always here for you, Mulder. Always remember that." She then places a kiss on my forehead. "Now, let's go see about that food."
I can't help but smile at her. I am so proud to say that this is my partner. And the kiss that we just shared was the first step towards a much bigger thing I feel. And until that proper time comes, I will withold the true feelings I have for her. When the time comes, I will tell her that I love her but not now. Now I'm just glad to have my Scully back and going to have the best food of my life.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to FoxsDana
|Home/QuickSearch + Categories + Schedule + Rules + FAQ + Links/Lists + Contact|