Re-Memo Me/ (Or, Prepare ro be Creamed)

by pattie

Title: Re-Memo Me? (Or, Prepare to Be Creamed)

Author: Pattie

Rated: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Category: Humor

Summary: Mulder and Scully trade off on prankster memos.

Archive: Okay. If you say so. Tell me.


Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and Skinner belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and Fox Studios. So does the X-Files. I do this for free and don't want to step on their toes.

Author's Note: Beta kindly provided in record time by ddis2hot. Thankyou, Jenna!

January 16, 1995,
10:30 a.m.,
A.D. Skinner's Office

Mulder and Scully sat in front of Skinner's desk, unusually contrite and abashed. There was really no excusing the past few days' raucous behavior.

"I'm waiting for an explanation, Agents." Yes, Skinner could be patient, but these days, it seemed it was a rather expensive commodity given the pressure he was under from his superiors.

"I don't know what to say, Sir. We were really out of line." That was all that Mulder really had to offer. As he looked at his shoes, he was doing his best to stifle a smirk.

Scully was no further ahead in her list of excuses. "I know we've let you down, Sir. I can't really think of anything else to offer you, except my most sincere apology." She gave Mulder a rather sharp elbow.

"Words cannot express just how... "

"Save it agents. Two weeks' suspension and no pay. That'll be all." Skinner dismissed them with the same tone he'd admonish two badly behaved children. "I will see you in two weeks. Leave your keys with my secretary."

It had started oh-so-innocently enough about three weeks previous to the suspension. There was nothing to do. No mystery assignments from Mulder's files, no words from upstairs, and no calls from people who had come to him with quirky cases, paranormal phenomena and UFO sightings.

It was so quiet, Scully had actually though she was going to go insane. "Mulder, I'm so bored I could actually watch one of your videos."

"Okay. Let's see what we can do... " He leaned over and reached for his video drawer.

"No, no. We need something to do. Remember, we come here to WORK everyday? That's where I tell myself I'm going on the way here, anyway. Have you ever seen the office this quiet? This uneventful?"

"Well, we can moonlight and write up reviews on the videos... " There were seventy-five pencils on the ceiling, and three fell right into his lap, pointy-end down. "Ow... God, Scully, these things are sharp!" He winced in pain.

"Um... are you all right? I mean, since I'm a doctor, I may as well take a look... "

"Well, while you're down there... "

Scully walked back three steps and scolded him sharply. "THAT wasn't CLOSE to funny, Mulder. Besides, seen one, seen them all."

"Really? Didn't know you'd gotten around. Even with the built-in breakfast tray."

"Are you accusing me of being promiscuous, Mulder? I am truly shocked. You know me better than that." She was actually quite hurt.

"And you know me very well, Scully. I was only kidding."

"Apology accepted. Besides, everyone around here knows you carry that roll of quarters just to impress."

"Was that an insult or a compliment? I can't really tell, Scully. If you're looking, well, I guess it's only natural. After all, you must be curious about all the things they're saying around here. The things they've said about me for years."


"Well, only the women."

And that is the day the memos started flying. The circulars that are usually meant to be humorous and go around the office building just for the sake of brightening up one dull season of joyless drudgery.

Scully retreated into herself and sat at the small writing table across the office, and Mulder pretended to be interested in the contents of a file about Drug Use in Government Agencies.

The petite red-head decided to draft a few pieces of silliness and float them around the building. If the first one was a success, she would continue to circulate them just to break the monotony all had been complaining about.

One of the tour guides laughed aloud in the cafeteria as she read her first glance at Scully's creative endeavor, and shared it with a few of the other ladies at her table.

"On view Saturday in X-files Office:

Ladies Only Please

One Time Only!

                     Results of Agent
                     Spooky's Latest Physical!
                     Measurements of All Important Things! <Hehehhe>

                     Your Hostess:
                     Personal Physician Dr. S."

Of course, it was really a joke, so no one showed. However, the story still circulated, and Mulder had to sneak into the office long before the first male agents entered the building for several mornings.

Revenge was of the utmost necessity, naturally. Post haste.

Mulder took his time, of course.

Five days after the Scully Memo, the Mulder Memo went out around to a few of the guys, and a few more, and a few more.

Agent Fox Mulder was perfectly adept at composing his own unique brand of memo:


Birthday Bash for Agent Dana Katherine Scully!

Theme: Birthday Suits!

Attire: What Your Mama Gave You!

Bring Your own Whipped Cream."

He went on, and how...

Well, that tore it! Scully's birthday was NOT that Friday, and she most certainly had not expected thirty grown men to show up at her apartment clad only in trench coats asking where she wanted the whipped cream.

The following Monday, Scully stomped into the office and slammed her briefcase onto the desk. "Just WHAT was that all about?"

"The mud at the door? Sorry, I'll wipe my feet next time... " Mulder tried to look innocent, among his pencils and open folders, behind that messy old desk.

"Don't give me that crap, Mulder. The thirty middle-aged perverts with the whipped cream yelling "Happy Birthday" and making me look like some sort of...slut in front of my mother and three neighbors."

"Well, Scully. The pot calling the kettle black, hmm? At least I didn't show up... "

"Thank God, you didn't!" She was so angry she felt as if she was about to do something violent.

And Mulder saw the rage in her eyes. "Well, I think I can make it up to you."

"How? How can you possibly undo that?"

Mulder reached into his desk. "With a whipped cream duel!" He threw a can to Scully and popped the lid on his own, and a whipped cream fight ensued rather seriously until the pair were on the floor of the office in fits of laughter.

"Oh, God, Mulder... haha.. I can't get... I can't get mad anymore... That was too hysterical! The look on your face when you first heard about
the Memo... "

"Yeah... " he laughed. "And Scully?"

"Yeah, huh huh, yeah," she had a silly grin on her face.

"I have something to add."

"What's that?"

He crept across the floor and aimed the nozzle of the can down her blouse,firing the rest of the creamy sweet stuff into her cleavage. Then, he started to clean it out with his tongue when Skinner walked into the office...

That's how the agents got into so much trouble, just because they were bored out of their skulls.

If you're going to write Memos as a practical joke, prepare to get creamed.


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