No More Than Friends

by Gothic Spook

No More Than Friends
Author: Gothic Spook
Rating: G
Category: Post- Sunshine days sort of. Set before The Truth. Slight Romance, Angst Summery: Monica's thoughts about her life and her love for John. Set after Sunshine Days. Disclaimer: If you recognise it, I do not own it. Spoilers: Some of season 8 and a lot of season 9! Archive: Anywhere that wants it, juts let me know! Feedback: Love it! Always wanted!

Why cant I find a nice decent guy? Wait a second. I already have. But he only sees me as a friend. I'm always there for him. And he is always there for me. As a friend. Nothing more. Nothing less. I was there for John during Luke. I helped him move on from the pain. He didx at least I thought he did. He moved on with his life. Joined the FBI. Got my dream assignment. Got me onto it as his partner. I think I have shown him how much I would do for him. When he called saying he needed help with Dana, I had come, no questions asked and I had taken Dana, protected her and helped her how ever I could. Then when he asked me to be his partner, I had dropped everything in New Orleans. My life, friends, everything. I had moved to where I only really knew him. Every time he asked me for help I was there ready and waiting, to follow him. I still follow him. I will always be following him.

After what happened with Lukesh and the other John, he asked wanted me to talk with him, to tell him what was wrong. I didn't explain it to him. I couldn't. He wouldn't have believed me anyway. He would have said it was a dream. A very realistic dream. But a dream none the less. I had to cope on my own then. With the pain of killing the other John to save my own. Of feeling his life slip away. Of the fear that my theory was wrong. And that I wouldnt be saving John, I would be killing him. But in the end I was right. It saved my John, but what about the other one? Did it save him? Did it save the other me? I may never find out and I will forever live with the pain of killing John. Whether it was my John or another. It was still John.

And then Van Allen. My biggest fear of failing. I always fail. That's what he had told me and I believed him. But something happened. I wasn't dead like I should have been. For the next life, the next cycle of killing, but I'm not. I wont ever find the reasons why Van Allen didn't kill me when he had the chance to. But I did fail that time. I let him die. Which meant he was going to start the cycle all over again. I had once again failed to stop him. I couldn't talk to John about it. He didn't believe it. He thought I was being stupid. I wanted to talk to him. To tell him my feelings, but I just couldn't.

When he was lost in Mexico. There was no leads. And when there was they all led us to dead ends. No news. No evidence. Nothing. When I did find him. He went to hit me, if I hadn't of ducked he would had knocked me out. What would he have done then? Just left me there? I didn't want to think about that. When I saw him I was so upset that he looked at me with confusion. He didn't recognise me. He didn't have a clue as to who I was. That hurt so much more than I could ever say. Even though I had said his name and had lowered my gun. He still didn't trust me. He grabbed my gun and pushed me face first into the bus. Holding my own gun against me. I had to try and remember that he didn't know anything about himself or about his life. I kept reminding myself of that, but it still hurt when he didn't look at me as a friend but as a threat. I had to tell him about Luke. When he asked how old he was I didn't need to speak, the look he saw on my face told him everything he needed to know. I talked with him that night. He asked questions and I answered everything I could. He shared his feelings with me. I had hoped that was the next step up from our friendship. But after that we still remained no more than friends.

The car accident. I had worn my heart on my sleeve that night. Practically yelled out my hearts true desires. But he either didn't notice or he chose to ignore it. I was praying he would kiss me. I want him to so much. But he didn't. "See ya Monday" was all he said. Those words broke my heart more then I ever would let on. While in Audrey's hospital or whatever the hell that place was. I had plenty of time to think. When Stephen Murdock had told me I was dead. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't ready to die. I had to much to live for. I had John to live for. I knew I had to find a way out. If there was a way in there must have been a way out. When Mr Barreiro vanished, I was confused, if we were dead. What the hell had happened to him. It was then I knew that I was still alive. Like I said to Steven. You can't die if you're already dead. When he asked me where we were I didn't answer. I didn't really know. I just knew we had to find a way out and fast. Audrey then told me that my friend loved me very much, the person that instantly came into my head was John. But I didn't really have time to think about what she had said I just needed to find a way out and back to him. Then I would worry about all of that. When Steven had died, he told me he would do life differently. After his death, I sat on the floor, thinking about what he had said. Would I do life differently? I wouldn't do it all differently. I would maybe change one or two things. I would definatley change things between John and I. But I thought it was to late. I was going to die. But then Audrey told me to jump and I had no choice but to trust her. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was John. He took my hand and gave it a squeeze. I looked into his eyes and saw his feelings. I knew that one day, he would be ready and I would be waiting for him.

The next few cases were tough on John. First his old case from New York, that pushed his beliefs to the edge. The case with Tommy and his monsters. That was when he started to believe. He had proven that if he had to he would believe. In this case it saved my life. I was ready to take a knife and cut that thing out of me. But they didn't let me. I begged them to get it out. But they didn't listen to my cries of pain. John had saved my life.

Then Luke and Regali. Finding the killer. I didn't want to see John disappointed again. Last time it was my fault. It killed me to see him so upset. But I stood by him as best as I could. Finding out about Brad hurt me so much. I should have hated him for what he did. He killed someone and was on the take. But I didn't hate him. I felt sorry for him. I wont ever admit this, but there is still apart for me that has feelings for him. I wont ever act upon them again. Even if I wanted to I couldn't, he's gone now, I haven't heard from him since then. I went with John to the beach and I comforted him that day and the days after that. I hoped that after this he would see me more as a friend and act upon it. But he didn't. We still remained no more than friends.

The Brady Bunch case. That was different from anything we had investigated so far. There was a definite difference in Johns attitude. He was more relaxed and he was more opened minded about the case. Even more than I was! I was very shocked when he told me his theory, I didn't believe it had come from his mouth, let alone the theory itself. But he had said it, he had believed and he had been right. He had also saved Oliver's life. But we all had to sacrifice the ultimate proof of everything we have been investigating. But seeing Dr. Reits and Oliver Martin in the hospital room together, it was worth it. I made another move in trying to tell John how I felt. I took his hand in mine. And when I felt him respond by not letting go and squeezing slightly I was so happy. I knew he felt the same way as I do at that moment. And no matter what the future held for usx I knew we would be together always. Facing the future together. We would one day be more than friends.


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