AUTHOR: Jade Hawthorne (firstname.lastname@example.org) DISCLAIMER: Not mine, just borrowing.
SPOILERS: Season 7-8, Closure, Requiem, Within
by Jade Hawthorne
There's the moon asking to stay
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away Well it's my time coming, I'm not afraid to die My fading voice sings of love,
But she cries to the clicking of time.
- Jeff Buckley, Grace
There was a prayer in her head as she gazed at her reflection that morning, an incantation summoning the strength to greet the coming day.
Hail Mary, full of grace...
Did she believe in grace anymore? Or was it just another version of the strange magic that had swept her along with him, battling monsters and demons, shouting to the heavens about an apocalypse she wasn't even certain would come to pass?
She knows there was a grace that had surrounded him, protecting him from countless dangers, a succession of near deaths and rebirths. His faith never failed to reignite even after the slings and arrows of disillusionment threatened to tear it apart. It rose like a phoenix of hope time and time again, and she could only watch in awe, silently pondering the limits of her own belief, even as she fingered her well-worn cross.
She saw the peace in his eyes as he spoke of embracing an invisible sister, a specter of starlight. She saw that a weight was gone from his shoulders and again marveled at his capacity for belief. And on the plane ride home, she sat beside him, gazing at the stars, and wondered what was left for them now that his quest was realized. What would drive them forward? Who would they be to each other? If she was no longer his fellow knight, who would she be to him now that he had found his grail?
He answered her question weeks later with whispered words of promise and searing kisses, giving life to a passion that had simmered underneath them for years, humming with intensity. And she slowly gave herself over to the grace he promised.
Later, in a hotel room in Oregon, fighting nausea and sinking feelings that threatened to dismantle her prized control, she surrendered to his arms and began to truly believe. She listened to him soothe her fears, give voice to her hidden desires, and she sank into his warmth. He painted a picture and invited her to step inside. This time, instead of mocking his art, using skepticism as a shield, she took his hand, closed her eyes and leaped.
There was so much more she needed to do with her life. There was so much more than the phantoms they had chased for the last seven years. That greater world, that new life... it could all begin right here, in a warm embrace, a microcosm of the peace she had denied herself for too long.
And so she believed. She said yes to the universe, and she let him go, believing that fate would return him to her. It was her right. She had claimed him as her own.
And he had slipped through her fingers into starlight.
But now as she studied her face, pale with nausea and shifting hormones and the fatigue of early pregnancy, she realized he was never hers. He was the darling of chance. Seven years with him should have taught her that.
Her hands found her belly and rested there for a moment. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She sank into that moment and breathed in and out, and she thought of him and the extraordinary new life growing inside her. A union of opposites. Her own physical proof that reason and faith can intertwine.
She was no fool to have believed in him. She was only a fool for waiting so long, for keeping her faith at bay, for holding back in fear. Her time with him had been brief, but it held a truth and a sweetness that seemed to render the rest of her life shallow and meaningless.
She splashed her face with cool water, and stared back at the woman in the mirror, at her steely blue eyes, her wet red hair, and the defiant tilt to her chin. Despite her loss, there was a strength there, a courage borne of faith. And she knew there was no going back. She had already jumped the precipice and was in a strange, new territory she and Mulder had discovered together. When he returned, it would be here that he would find her.
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