When You Call for Me in Your Sleep

by Pattie

Title: When You Call for Me in Your Sleep. Author: Pattie
Rated: PG
Categorization: MSR. MA, SA., Scully POV Spoilers: Requiem. Dead Alive.
Summary: Scully silently pleads for Mulder to get his pain from his abduction out where they can deal with it. Archive: Gossamer and any other nice home. Please let me visit. Feedback: Much appreciated, trish59@444.net Disclaimer: Scully Mulder, the X-files, all titles original and plotlines are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox Studios.
I make no money from fanfiction and intend no copyright infringement.

Since you've been back, you've been very quiet on the subject. I know how that is. To say that you don't quite remember isn't exactly true. As I watch you sleep, and even as I sleep, I know the pain you go through in your dreams. The subconscious mind. Wonderful way for the mind to decipher the things the unconscious is not yet ready to handle. It protects one from the things one is yet unready to face.

I hope you find some rest in your hours of sleep. If you wish to talk, and I have discussed this with you, I am here to listen. Although I carry your child, I'm sure he or she is safe and cozy in the warmth of my womb and would most certainly love you for who you are. Neither I nor this child will ever judge you for opening up, crying, doing whatever you need to do to resolve the repressed memories.

The tests must have been excruciating. I can only see the scars that still linger from their procedures. My efforts to prevent the further damage that was growing inside you have left scars. But what are marks on the epidermis compared to the horrible memories etched into your mind and soul? Mere badges you have earned. Symbols that you did not join the deceivers.

When Skinner, Doggett, Reyes and I were searching for you, I could feel you calling out to me, perhaps screaming to me in pain. I was powerless to help you. Now that you're here, I still feel that way. Please don't tell me just the fact that I'm here is enough. Talk to me.

Soon, our child will arrive. Thank you for giving me a child. Thank God you will be here to see our baby! I know you will be so pleased, so proud, so happy. I want to see a smile on your face, a real one, before I deliver. Smile a genuine smile at the little things that make people's day: a kiss, the warmth of a gentle breeze, the ironies of life. Smile at a pretty woman, a funny movie, an unbelievable headline in the National Know-It-All. Smile at me, with me, for me.

Let me hold you as you weep for all the lost time, the painful testing, the machinations of men who destroyed your family. Let me listen to you get angry as hell for what they did to you! You don't complain. You suffer. I suffer. Let it all out, then let it go.

The Truth shall set you free. Someone said that two thousand years ago, and you have said it. Well? Follow that advice, my beloved. Yes, we have a silent 'understanding'. That must evolve into something more visible, too. The Truth.

When you call for me in your sleep, cry out in pain, scream the most earth-shattering screams, rail at the devils who took you, I know you are processing the most terrifying ordeal of your life. It's even worse than the night you lost Samantha, and you even mumble that as you dream.

Why can you not do this when you're awake? You claim not to recall the dreams, yet sweat pours off of you like rain through a down-spout. The only way to confront our inner monsters once and for all is with a conscious effort. If that means having help, do it. I'll be here.

And if you go for regression therapy, I'll be the one holding your hand this time. After all, if I, we, lose you, Fox Mulder, we lose everything. We may lose the freedom to live. And that is something you must not deny our child.

There you sleep, finally peacefully, after two very violent outbursts that I dare not wake you from as they happen. In another hour or so, or perhaps another night, if you are lucky, the inner storm will begin again.

I will not let it go on tomorrow night, Mulder. You and I will visit Dr. Verber and get these demons out once and for all. With my hand in yours, we will face this thing together.

Soon, when you call for me in your sleep, it will be for a happier reason.

Pattie


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