DISCLAIMER: Yeah, like I'd have had the show Mulder-less if I owned them? The show's over now, so technically nobody does, but Chris Carter, 1013, David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, etc. had them first, so I'm just borrowing them for now... Also, the song lyrics written at the end are not mine either - I'm just using them to further convey my point. No infringement intended! FEEDBACK: I live for it!!!!
ARCHIVE: I'd be honoured, but please let me know where so I can come and have a nosey! :-)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my second attempt at a short XF fanfic...I'm doing a long one at the OS board at the moment, but this just kept chewing away at my mind. Listening to the song that became the foundation for this didn't help either!!!
'MULDER, PLEASE COME BACK HOME'
"Scully, you have to understand: they're taking abductees. You're an abductee. I'm not gonna risk...losing you..."
A pause. A hug.
"I won't let you go alone."
It had seemed so simple at the time - a small disagreement followed by a promise that had proven once again that they could never bear the thought of losing each other. What transpired, however, had been far from simple: Mulder had been abducted by the little grey men he had been chasing after for so long, barren Scully had discovered that she was somehow pregnant, and a new agent had been assigned to work on the X-Files in Mulder's absence by the newly-promoted Deputy Director Alvin Kersh.
Slow, painful days of not-knowing and raw need passed by for Scully, and if it hadn't been for the knowledge that she was carrying Mulder's child she would surely have gone completely out of her mind. That wasn't to say she'd had no support...Far from - her mother, the Gunmen, Skinner...even John Doggett (the new guy on the X-Files) seemed like a decent, trustworthy person. But support wasn't what she wanted... Wasn't what she needed.
So, onwards she had gone, fighting and searching every second of every day to find her partner and soulmate - scared that she would never succeed, but certain he was out there for her to find if she only looked in the right place.
"I can't take the chance that I'm never gonna see him again."
And then he had been returned by his abductors. Dead.
That had been the straw to break the camel's back. Hope was suddenly sharply snatched away from her like a small child's toy and the darkness quickly enveloped her. He had once told her to never give up on a miracle, she hadn't and she'd been gifted with the child she now bore. She couldn't lose him, though - anything but him.
"Mulder..." Her strained voice trailed off as she stood by his sealed casket and lightly stroked the fingers of one hand along the varnished wood (the other hand gently resting against her barely swollen abdomen). There was so much she wanted to say, so many emotions that he would never be able to hear her share...so much still trapped in her heart even after all these years. The tears rendered her unable to speak, though, and the only thing she was able to do was to lower her head and rest the side of it against the coffin. "I love you," she choked between sobs. "We both love you."
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
THREE MONTHS LATER
The cold night whipped at her body, but as she walked slowly through the cemetery she didn't bother to shield herself against it...There was little (if any) point - all it was was a physical manifestation of what lay in her heart now, and she couldn't hide from that anymore, could she?
Finally, Dana Scully reached the particular grave she had been heading for and awkwardly lowered her pregnant body to the ground in front of it - the surname in bold lettering at the top of the headstone and the name engraved at the bottom still capable of stabbing at her heart...still seeming to laugh at her to remind her why she was here. A shaky hand outstretched and rested a small bunch of red Bleeding Hearts wrapped in green paper against the cold stone (her fingers lightly stroking across his name as she withdrew the now-empty hand).
FOX MULDER - 1961-2000
She had visited here every week - continuing the almost ritualistic journey he had made over the four weekends prior to his abduction to visit his mother. Each time she came she brought with her the latest ultrasound image of their growing child, placed it on the soil that covered his coffin and then yakked on about mundane things that had happened at the office during the week - as if they were together having a normal conversation and not really in this cold, dark place.
Today was different, though. She didn't know why - what had triggered it - but today she had come to the decision that it was time to finally share her deepest feelings with his grave...Time to let him know out loud - if there was an afterlife and he could hear her - how much she really loved and needed him.
"Time to stop the guessing...Time to let it all out," Scully whispered. But then she paused and had to take a deep breath. She kept trying to tell herself that she could do this - she was a scientist with an organised way of approaching things, and all she wanted to do now was fully confess to everything she felt for her partner, yet...
Why can't you be honest with me?
Her eyes slipped shut as his voice from days gone by ran through her veins and echoed in the depths of her soul. She wanted so badly to see him again - even if it was just his spectre like on the actual night they had found his lifeless body in the woods. Memories were the only ghosts that haunted her, though, and she had to be grateful for them so that she could draw strength from them.
"I'm always honest with you, Mulder," she slightly chided before her voice softened again. "I just...My heart's full of so many emotions that you'll never know...I just wish I'd opened up sooner..."
"Because I'm scared still to let the barrier around my heart down... I'm scared now, though, in case I do that and with my emotions I lose a memory or two of you...But today I realised how much I still hadn't admitted to myself, let alone you, and I knew I had to let you know..."
Don't make me guess.
She slightly smiled at that memory of him and lowered her head so that her chin rested against her chest (both hands splaying across her abdomen).
"So many paths that led me to you, and then so many more to follow when we worked together - choices we made that helped us learn more and more about each other before we took those final...Before we..." Her voice trailed off for a moment. "Before we took the final steps to becoming one whole physically as well as in spirit. I used to wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't studied medicine...hadn't joined the FBI against my father's approval; if I hadn't been the one chosen to debunk your work...If I hadn't come to believe in your cause..."
With every choice you change your Fate
"But then I realised that no matter how many variables had come together for us to be partners, all I cared about was the fact that I had taken the right paths, we were together and we'd stay that way..." The sobs were struggling to remain contained for much longer.
Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully-
"Our paths always have been and always will be entwined, though, Mulder, and I...I can't do this anymore without you-"
You made me a whole person.
"I keep telling myself that you'll always be there to watch over us...That you'll forever be in my heart..."
You were my constant - my touchstone.
"And I pray so hard that our child grows up to be so much like you...But I need you...I need to feel your hand resting against my back, to hear your voice spin out another of your wild theories or tell me how much you love me..."
I love you.
She faltered for a beat as that one played over in her mind and heart, before continuing, "Need to look into the depths of your trusting, caring and beautiful eyes...To walk alongside your tall, lean figure. I need you for the special person you were because...because I ...because I love you so much..."
"Oh, brother. Well, at least you didn't say Skinman!"
Her eyes flung open as she snatched in a gasp of air and raised a hand to cover her gaping mouth.
His voice had spoken to her! It wasn't the ghosts of her memories that echoed in the empty caverns of her head and heart. His actual voice had spoken directly to her.
His name rested on her trembling bottom lip as she snapped her head round to look over her shoulder, but it wasn't given any volume until all the breath was knocked out of her by what she saw standing behind her.
Struggling a little due to her delicate condition, she quickly stood and stared with wide eyes at the tall, familiar figure shrouded in darkness.
...It couldn't be...She didn't believe in ghosts - the last time he'd taken her on a ghost hunt the events of the escapade had been in her head. Plus, she'd been here on countless occasions since the funeral...Why now? And yet it was. It was Mulder - dressed in the suit she had tearfully picked from his closet for his burial.
"Mulder?" Her whispered cry - pleading for it to be him - hung in the cold air as she took a step toward him (fighting against the desperate urge to charge forward).
He said nothing as he stared back at her, but she felt the baby inside her move much more than normal and a wide, affectionate smile broke out on his face - as if he had willed their miracle to kick at her insides.
Scully subconsciously rubbed the mound with both her hands. "Mulder...Please...Come back home - back to me and our miracle...I can't do this without you."
"Doctor Scully needs the FBI's Most Unwanted's help?" he almost chuckled.
"I don't need 'help', Mulder! I need you!" she rebuked. "Everything I am is because of you, and if you're out of the equation, what do I have left?"
Another kick from the baby, as if on cue.
Her head lowered to look at where her hands rested.
"I love you," his voice gently and sincerely told her. "Always."
She sharply looked back up. To hell with any rationale for this not being real...To hell with the world and its conspiracies, for that matter. She ran forward and wrapped her arms around him - snuggling her face against his chest and swearing that (even though the scientist in her screamed out that it was impossible) she could smell his musky Mulder-scent. Her eyes slowly closed as she revelled in the feel of his presence, and felt a chill run up and down her spine as he whispered into her hair "Never give up on a miracle."
When she opened her eyes again five seconds later she found herself standing alone - as ever - in the dark and icy cemetery, with her arms hugging empty air.
Hitching in a breath as the sobs overtook her yet again, she whispered his name and dropped to her knees - her arms wrapping tightly around her body.
Would the pain ever ease?
US NAVAL HOSPITAL
God was on Scully's side again! She hadn't been on particularly good terms with Him over the past months after what He had taken from her, but now she was putting all her faith and belief down on the line - praying as hard as she possibly could for this one last miracle to be granted.
Mulder was alive again, three months after she had tearfully watched his coffin lowered into the cold ground (at the same time watching as half of her soul was lowered with him) and the day after she had seen what she'd believed to be his ghost at the cemetery.
Check that: he'd actually been alive when they buried him, practically trapped in suspended animation by a virus his abductors had infected him with...If it hadn't been for the discovery of Billy Miles in the sea and Skinner's decision to take the chance to dig up Mulder's grave, Scully knew she wouldn't be here begging God for this second chance.
With every choice you change your Fate.
Praying she was, though...She had worked as hard as she could with all the scientific and medical knowledge she possessed to help rid her partner of the virus. It was up to him, now, to walk that final mile and just open his eyes...If not for her or himself, then for their unborn child.
She kept the long bed vigil, exhausted and tired but only knowing that she had to be here and awake by his side when (there was no room for 'ifs') Mulder came to.
She groggily looked up to see her boss's head peering into the room around the partially open door.
"I hate to..." He faltered and paused for a minute. "Have you seen Agent Doggett? I've been trying to get a hold of him, but haven't had any luck - his cell phone seems to be switched off..."
"He was called away...By Kersh, I think."
Skinner nodded his appreciation and was about to leave when he suddenly glanced over at Mulder's motionless form. "Any news?" he asked - curiosity getting the better of him.
Scully shook her head as her fingers tightened their hold on her partner's hand and she stared at his face.
Unsure of what else to say, the assistant director lowered his head and started to silently leave.
Her voice paused the door's process of closing, and it was reopened as Skinner's head appeared yet again in the gap to stare at the pregnant agent.
"Thank you," she said, staring at him sincerely as she let go of Mulder's hand and shakily raised to her feet. "Thank you for everything you've done for us."
With a slight smile and nod - feeling that he hadn't helped them anywhere near as much as he probably could have done - he left, quietly shutting the door after him.
Scully remained standing for a few more seconds before dropping back down into the chair at Mulder's side and reclaimed his hand once again with hers.
'Please, Mulder,' she silently pleaded as her thumb gently rubbed along the top of his fingers. 'Please come back to me...'
As if answering her silent prayer or reacting to the stroking motion of her thumb, his hand moved. Seconds later his head did the same and...and his eyes opened.
She'd planned on thanking God over and over when this eventually happened, but at the moment the only things on her mind were how much she loved this man and how much she was going to make him pay when he was better for pretending that he didn't know who she was (a moment when what remained of her heart had almost been completely destroyed).
She reached out her left hand to rest against his forehead and lightly stroke his hair.
'I love you,' he silently mouthed to her, and suddenly all the emotions that had deserted her heart the moment they found his lifeless body and she knew there was no hope left when Jeremiah Smith was taken came rushing back in - filling her so much that she couldn't help but give the widest grin ever instead of verbally answering (words really could never have even begun to express what she felt right then).
Happiness, exhaustion, relief and about fifty other emotions combined to overwhelm her as she lay her head down on his shoulder and her eyes slid shut - her hand still clinging onto his. She still had to tell him about the child they had created, but for now all that mattered was:
He was back.
'PLEASE COME BACK HOME' by The Flamingos
Oh, please, please come back home,
I'm so all alone, please come back home. Oh please. please come back to me,
I'm lonely as can be, please come back home. Words can't express my love for you,
You are my life, my everything.
Ooh, when I'm with you I'm never blue,
That's why, darling, I love you.
Please, please hear my plea,
And come back to me.
Please come back home.
Words can't express my love for you,
You are my life, my everything.
Ohh, when I'm with you I'm never blue,
That's why, darling, I love you.
Please, please come back to me,
I'm lonely as can be, please come back home.
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