Category: MSR, Humor
Spoilers: Hollywood AD
Summary: It's about time to get even with the rumor mill at the Bureau.
Archive: Gossamer, any other good home. Please ask first.
Disclaimers: All X-Files characters and titles belong to Chris carter, 1013 Productions and Fox Studios. No profit realized; no copyright infringement intended.
J. Edgar Hoover Building,
December 2, 2000
Dana Scully marched indignantly into the office, dropped her purse on the floor in front of Mulder's desk and plopped herself into the chair facing him with a look of resignation on her face. He looked up from an old file and gave her his full attention.
"What's the matter, Scully? Car trouble again?" Mulder knew she had been having problems with her vehicle and assumed the thing had died again. "You should chuck it for a new one, I told you that a long time ago."
"Mulder, it's been HOW long since that "Lazarus Bowl" movie disaster came out?" Her hand was over her eyes as if to shield herself from embarrassment. Well, it was too late for that.
"Sixteen months, it flopped, and brought in less money than the panhandlers at the Capital Building. Why?"
"Tell me we'll hear the end of this someday, Mulder? Tell me that?"
He looked at his partner in amazement, and let her continue.
"I would have been in here fifteen minutes ago if I hadn't felt the need to cloister myself in the main floor ladies' room to prevent myself from doing something hideous to a few of the so-called "ladies" in the typing pool, not to mention the tour guides and five personal secretaries. In the last few months I have had to put up with their idle gossip, rumours that have absolutely NO basis in fact, and bet-making, along with... "
"Hey! Hold on! Why didn't you tell me this months ago, Scully? You know we don't keep secrets from each other anymore. We protect each other's backs. Remember?" He was smiling, but she wasn't, so he had to control his delight at Scully's full-fledged rant. "I've been hearing much the same all over the building myself. So what?"
"Maybe YOU can let it roll off of your back, but Mulder, this is a Federal Building, and... and... ARGGHHH!"
"And you are not amused. I know. Just the other day, I heard Chapman and Wells talking about how I was going to blow Skinner's head off when I found out about that little love nest you have with him. And the kid."
"They figured we all staged the abduction thing so you could go on maternity leave and set up house-keeping with Skinman."
"Skinman? The kid? Oh, that's not the worst of it, Mulder. Not in the least. Now, Deirdre, Alexis and Lillian have me cheating on Skinman with you and expecting twins, and wondering why I haven't gained an ounce of weight because I am in my fourth month."
"Who are you cheating with?" Mulder wanted to hear it again.
"You," she growled. "And it's not funny. Our personal lives, whatever they are, I've forgotten, are our own business. Me cheating on Skinner with you... "
"Well, that wouldn't be too bad. But the lack of weight gain with twins... " He shook his head in mock disappointment.
"MULDERRR! All these rumours have to be put to an end, or they'll start putting us into a three-some in some Niagara Falls bubble bath!"
"I already heard that one, Scully. And frankly, I would prefer a two-some with the woman of my dreams. Tea Leoni.'
"Tea Leoni? Ha!" Scully had to laugh at that, but the fury was still going between her ears. "Believe me, I've had to sign her autograph sixteen times in my own neighbourhood this year."
"I meant you." That was no consolation. "Look. I think the only way we can get through this is to ignore it, Scully. Make them think we're totally oblivious to it all."
"Maybe they should get real jobs," she retorted. "Like Hollywood gossip columnists. IF they can type."
"Let me think about this a bit. Revenge may be sweet, but a dish best served cold. Now, let's go over the report on the Alabama case... "
"You're right. We are here to work. I have the autopsy report ready to go...
Three days later, Mulder had come up with an idea. The key to it's success would be Scully's co-operation. They discussed it over the phone at night so as to have complete privacy.
December 5, 2000
"Scully. Do you know what time it is, Mulder?"
"Yeah, Scully. Our usual chit-chat time. And I've come up with a plan that just might work."
"Does it involve weapons, Mulder? Because I'm about ready for that after having cocktails with Sylvia and Barb."
"You do know Cindy Fairmont," he said with a grin.
"Cindy Fairmont?" she sleepily asked. "Umm... yeah. Married to Brian Fairmont for two years, just found out she's having a baby... "
"Let's give her a baby shower in Skinner's outer office. I called Kimberly and set it up. But... "
"But what? I don't think I like what I'm about to hear, Mulder."
"Well, maybe not. But it would be fun."
"Maybe for you."
"Just hear me out, okay? Skinner's at a seminar for the whole week. Kimberly hates all this gossip as much as we do because Skinner's been hearing some really wild stuff about himself... so... "
"So, they've woven the fabric and we get to embroider? IS that what you're saying?" Scully yawned.
"Why, yes. And I think you'll actually enjoy it. Painless for us, embarrassing for them, and free of charge. No strings attached."
"None. If they're as good at eaves-dropping as they are at storytelling, we have them where we want them. Then we nab them."
"Well, I guess it beats hearing about me running naked through the park yelling, I'm not through yet, Mulder." Click.
"They said THAT? Hello? Scully?" Mulder put the receiver down and his head on the pillow, chuckling to himself, the thought of his partner actually r u n n i n g n a k e d and not being through with him leading to a fantastic dream.
Three days later, the ground work had been done. All bases had been covered.
Kimberly began greeting the shower guests into the beautifully decorated outer office, while Mulder waited behing the locked door of Skinner's inner sanctum.
As the gifts piled up, the women were munching on sweets and waiting for Cindy Fairmont. The gossip mill was going at high tilt when Scully walked in with her gift, smiling brightly.
"Hi! So where's the guest of honour?"
"Hi, Dana! She'll be here in a minute. C'mon, sit down and rest your feet. You must be... "
"I think I'll make a phone call first. Kim, can I use A.D. Skinner's phone? I know it's agiainst the rules, but this is kinda important. Promised my brother a word about Mom."
Kimberly unlocked the door. "Go ahead, I'm sure it's not a major crime or anything. Don't be too long, though. Cindy's on her way up from across town."
"Thank you." Scully entered Skinner's Office and closed the door, making sure to secure the lock.
"Ready?" Mulder asked, smiling like the Cheshire Cat.
"As ready as I'll ever be. I know what to say; you know what to say, so let's get this over and done with."
Mulder put a finger to his lips and switched on the intercom.
Scully nodded, then said her first lines: "Here? Are you crazy?"
"Only about you, Mrs. Spooky. Come here, you... I hope you wore the thong... "
The girls outside were giggling and talking. Silence took over as they listened intently for more.
"You know I did. Ohh, yeah... I love that! More so I can savour every bit... "
"My belt... you know.. you have the way... ahh, what a relief."
"My, Mulder... things are looking up... "
"Can't stop now, party girl. The desk, just up on it and forget the papers... Ah... you ARE a vixen... "
"Mmm.. tiger... ahh... ahhh... ahhh... " She became louder and the desk seemed to be knocked around a lot. "NOW!!!"
The outer room fell silent as everyone intently listened, and Cindy arrived to receive her presents.
"What's up?" she innocently asked.
Everone laughed hysterically, at which time Mulder and Scully, fully clothed and without as much as a hair our of place, came out of Skinner's private office and stared at some of the main contributors to the recent gossip.
"Hope you're satisfied," Scully stared at them in their seats.
"I am," Mulder quipped. "The rumor mill is closed down, ladies. I think A.D. Slinner will be most pleased by our efforts, don't you, Scully?"
"I most certainly do. Oh, girls, the next time you're in the cafeteria, you never know who'll be wearing a wire," she smiled. "Thanks for being a good sport, Cindy."
"Any time, Dana. And thanks for the added bonus!"
"You're welcome." Scully took Mulder by the arm. "C'mon, big boy. We have some work to do in the basement."
"Lead on, my pet."
Among the gifts, was a card that said, "Wishing you all the best, Mrs. Spooky."
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