TITLE: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Mulder Torture
AUTHOR: Satchie (Satchimus Publicus) <g> E-MAIL: email@example.com
CATEGORY: Pure silliness
SUMMARY: Did you ever wonder why Foley catheters are so popular in fan fiction? Did you ever suspect it was an unwritten code? No more! This is one humble fan's vision of Mulder Torture.
FEEDBACK: Feed the need
ARCHIVE: Ephemeral, Gossamer, MiJ. Others please ask.
Disclaimer: Alas, the X-Files and the character of Fox Mulder belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and Fox. sniffle
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to Jenna for inspiring this bit of fun, Obfusc8er for the cool beta and much needed moral support, and to Vickie Moseley who encouraged me to post. [Apologies to the Founding Fathers of the United States and Abraham Lincoln for "borrowing" a few ideas.]
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READERS OF MULDER TORTURE BILL OF RIGHTS
We the Readers of Mulder Torture, in order to encourage more MT stories, establish our needs to existing and potential writers, insure voluminous feedback, provide an appreciative audience, promote pain and suffering of our favorite accident/illness prone FBI agent and thus secure hours of sadistic enjoyment for ourselves and our friends, do ordain and establish this Readers of Mulder Torture Bill of Rights.
Readers of Mulder Torture (hereafter referred to as ROMT) have the right to expect at least one humiliating tube in a bodily orifice per story. Foley catheters are always popular with readers. Not only does Mulder find them embarrassing, they can serve as a potential source of painful urinary tract infections. Other options include nasogastric tubes, oxygen cannulas, percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) tubes, rectal thermometer probes, etc.
ROMT have the right to expect Mulder to bare arms, spectacular abs and pecs, cute butt, or other areas of anatomy. <veg> Writers are asked to rate their stories appropriately, e.g., PG-13, R, NC-17, "Can you hastily hit the minimize button before a family member enters the room?" or "Take two nitroglycerin tablets in advance and program 911 on your speed dial."
ROMT have the right to visualize Mulder in a hospital gown for as long as possible. If Mulder is sick enough to be in a hospital, he should be forced to wear the appropriate attire. The utilitarian, threadbare, open-back hospital gown causes Mulder emotional distress, provides the medical staff with convenient access for certain medical procedures (Bwahahahahaha!) and exposes him to chilly drafts, which we all know is not conducive to his recovery. Sweatpants and t-shirts should only be provided if Mulder escapes to pursue a lead and returns with yet more life-threatening injuries.
ROMT have the right to expect writers to make use of as much medical equipment as possible. If Mulder is brought into the emergency room for an infected ingrown toenail, there's no reason he can't be hooked up to an EKG, EEG, heart-lung machine, etc. Oh, and don't forget the Foley!
ROMT have the right to expect Mulder to conceal his symptoms until the consequences are dire. Early intervention could promote those pesky, unremarkable recoveries we're trying to avoid.
ROMT have the right to expect medications to be administered in suppository form whenever possible. The crisp snap of latex tends to provide fleeting psychological torture for our favorite bedridden FBI agent, and provides the reader with a case of nurseenvy. Intramuscular injections into the gluteus maximus are an acceptable alternative.
ROMT have the right to expect lengthy hospital stays. Yes, this might be deemed impractical in the current era of managed care, but how many times have we suspended belief for the sake of a really cool XFiles episode? Perhaps since the Department of the Treasury issues Mulder's paychecks, revenue could be collected to subsidize this noble cause. Form 1040 could be amended to ask, "Do you wish to contribute $5 of your tax refund to help cover Fox Mulder's exorbitant medical expenses?" Isn't this a much worthier cause than applying $3 toward the Presidential Election Campaign?
ROMT have the right to expect copious amounts of cruel and unusual punishment inflicted upon Special Agent Fox Mulder. That's what makes him so special. The adult human body contains 206 bones, 3 types of muscle tissue, 10 major organ systems, 31 pairs of spinal nerves and approximately 6 quarts of blood. The possibilities boggle the mind. Of course, we readers are reasonable people and do not expect all anatomical structures to be abused in the same story. Writers may atone for these oversights in subsequent contributions to the genre.
ROMT have the right to expect Mulder to experience excruciatingly complicated and protracted recoveries. A corollary to Murphy's Law, Mulderluck states that if any complication can arise, it will. He could suffer from an adverse reaction to medication, succumb to secondary and/or nosocomial infections, aspirate a blob of green Jell-O, contract E. coli from the hospital mystery meat, develop septic shock, go into cardiac arrest, etc. And despite Mulder's reputation for pushing the envelope, his grueling recovery process should be prolonged for our pleasure. Only a truly warped mind could suggest that it's possible for a person to recover from experimental brain surgery within a week. Oops. Never mind.
ROMT have the right to expect every injury and illness to be milked for all they're worth. An otherwise simple paper cut could provide an entry point for flesh-eating bacteria, a seemingly minor bump to the head may have caused a subdural hematoma, or a case of the sniffles might be a symptom of a mutated form of the bubonic plague. Leave no stones unturned, especially if they're gallstones or kidney stones.
In conclusion, with malice toward Mulder, with thrills for all; with awesome feedback to the writers as they contribute to the genre, let us strive to carry out the work we are in, to read about our favorite accident-prone FBI agent, to suffer major angst over his physical and psychological pain, to indulge in reader-concern - to do all we can to achieve blissful state of Muldertorturevana, amongst ourselves, and the yet unenlightened. It is this cause for which we are prepared to give our full devotion - that we here passionately affirm that the aforementioned articles shall not have been penned in vain, that this audience shall be the recipient of a new birth of MT stories, and that Mulder Torture of the readers, by the readers, for the readers shall not perish from this fandom. Amen.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Satchie
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